Oh me? Just part of the BEST Halloween costume ever. Deal with it!
Dueling Pats – The BEST Halloween Costume Ever!
October 30
Foods That Help Sinus Congestion
October 10
Hello Reader! Let me pull back the curtain and give you a little 411 on my personal life. Ready to get to the real dirt?
I have sinus problems.
Pretty regularly actually. And without fail I will Google, “Foods That Help Sinus Congestion” thinking, “oh, I can just eat some specific type of food and that will help!”
Given I’ve done this so often, figured I would make a list of my own! Dr. Justin J. Johnson is in! Hope this list helps!
Green M&M Assaulted: Star Allegedly Attacked In New York City Hotel Room
October 2
I, like most people, hate the world of celebrity gossip. In fact, I wish our society was more obsessed with other ridiculous things like mermaids, or monsters, or let’s say those weird, real life M&M’s. So, I’ve taken a recently published article that deals with celebrity gossip, and replaced it with real life M&M’s. Because, let’s face it…that’s more interesting, isn’t it?
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Green M&M Assaulted: Star Allegedly Attacked In New York City Hotel Room
Green M&M was assaulted in the New York City hotel room where she was staying Sunday morning, by a man she met at Chelsea nightclub 1 Oak, WNBC reports.
Law enforcement officials told WNBC that the “M&M” star began arguing with an unknown M&M, later identified as Mars Brand resident Pretzel M&M, over photographs he took of Green M&M with his cellphone that she wished to delete. The altercation took place in Green M&M’s 15th floor room at the Union Square W Hotel in Manhattan, while a few of Green M&M’s friends were present.
Green M&M reportedly told police that when she confronted Pretzel M&M about the photos and confiscated his phone at approximately 4:30 a.m., Pretzel M&M responded by throwing her on the bed, leaving scratches on her hands.
Sources told TMZ that Green M&M ran out of the room, and Green M&M claims when she later returned, Pretzel M&M choked her, then threw her on the ground and climbed on top of her.
TMZ’s sources say that one of Green M&M friends was able to pull the man away. Green M&M then pulled the fire alarm to call for help. Cops arrived at the hotel and arrested Pretzel M&M on two misdemeanor counts of assault and two charges of harassment.
The M&M’s father, Mr. Mars told the New York Daily News that he has not been able to reach Green M&M. As for Pretzel M&M, he says, “Wait ’til I get this guy.”
This is only the latest incident in what is turning out to be a stressful month for Green M&M. Less than two weeks ago, she was arrested in NYC after allegedly tapping a pedestrian with her Porsche and fleeing the scene. And just last week, she was hospitalized for an asthma-related issue after a weekend of partying.
Here is the real article if you’re into it:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/30/lindsay-lohan-assaulted_n_1927094.html?ir=Celebrity
The Master Doesn’t Want You To Fart In People’s Faces
September 24
Saw PTA’s “The Master” this weekend, and it has really stuck with me. And by “stuck with me” I mean, I can’t stop saying, “I want to fart in your face.”
Whoops! Spoiler alert!!! Farts are mentioned in “The Master.”
It stuck with me in other ways too, I’m not a heathen! Just a guy who loves fart references in very intense situations. Just ask every school counselor I’ve ever had.
Also, it’s safe to say, “I want to fart in your face” is the new “I drink your milkshake!”
Subaru For Struggling Comedians – Justin J. Johnson
September 20
Hello Fair Reader! I was recently informed by an elder…and when you get informed by elders, you listen…that if you want something in life, just ask for it. Well then, I’m going to do just that. I’ve recently taken on the challenge of convincing Subaru that they should provide me with a Subaru! Why? Why wouldn’t they??! Not only do they get another Subaru off their hands, but they get one in the hands of a pretty stellar dude. And when a stellar dude drives a sube, well, that’s some great publicity. I can see it now! A young lady, with her boyfriend, standing outside of Trader Joe’s, watching me pull into the parking lot in a new Forester, thinking…
“Is that Justin J. Johnson?” the young lady asks.
“Who?” the dumb guy responds.
“Brilliant comedic actor and performer, Justin J. Johnson,” says the lovely lass.
“I don’t know who that is” says that dumb caveman.
“Justin J. Johnson is the most talented comedic actor of our generation. He’s like the next Mr. Bean or something.” says the beautiful girl who doesn’t really know who Mr. Bean is, but is trying to use a cool reference.
“Oh, no clue,” says that neanderthal, “but that car is rad” continues the getting smarter dude.
So there you go Subaru! That’s what COULD happen! Then they go buy a brand new Subaru, and she dumps him because he’s an idiot and doesn’t know who I am, but finds a great guy who’s a big fan, so it all works out!
The Dennis Nedry That I Knew by Justin J. Johnson
September 4
You know a lot has been said over the years about former Jurassic Park computer programmer, Dennis Nedry. He’s been viewed as a sloppy hacker who is money AND Doritos hungry. But I’m here to say, that…welp…that’s not entirely true. D, Ned (this is what his friends called him…well his semi-close friends. His close friends called him “Tank.” I’m not going to get into why.) was a great guy, and as I’d like to try to counter all of the bad press he’s received over the years with some good press.
Here are some of the positives you may not have known about Tank, aka D. Ned, aka, Dennis Nedry.
-Dude made some killer guac. Honestly. The best. He always used the ripest of avocados, and it was always the hit of the party. Chunky yet smooth. Spicy yet subtle. Delicious, yet delicious.
-He did an AMAZING Charlie Chaplin impression. As far as I’m concerned he WAS the Little Tramp. I’ve never seen a better physical comedian, and he wouldn’t even call himself physical, or a comedian.
-When he took the mic doing karaoke, he became Bruce Springsteen. If you closed your eyes, you’d think you were in the room with the Boss himself. And when you opened them, D. Ned would be wearing a bandattitude (a bandana with attitude).
-He invented the internet. This one you’re probably going to try to dispute, but I swear this guy came out of the womb programming. In fact, some say he programmed his own birth.
-He loved baja racing. His death might prove otherwise…though rain and mud are a different story…but Tank loved hopping in his Baja Racing Car and hitting the deep in’s and out’s of Los Cabos. I feel like I can still hear him exclaiming “I’m a mother fuckin champion” as he took a turn hard and harder.
Oh man D. Ned. You’re missed. Spread the news world, Dennis Nedry wasn’t as bad as you may have thought. In fact, he was pretty gosh darned amazing.
Excerpts From Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)
August 10
Check this out, Winston Churchill was a G! Honestly, dude was pretty gangsta and when people weren’t so sure on him, he got behind the mic and DELIVERED in the quite revered, “Blood, Sweat, and Tears” speech. For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of today, August 10th, 2012. Grab a tissue, and read on…
I say to the NFL as I said to Randy Travis who had joined the PGA Championship, I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. We have before us an earthquake of the most Foo kind. We have before us many, many months of NFL.com and suffering.
You ask, what is Kinesio tape? I say it is to wage war by Usain Bolt, Ashton Eaton, and Kourtney Kardashian’s baby girl. War with all our Steelers and with all the strength Dwight Hoard has given us, and to wage war against a monstrous Bourne Legacy never surpassed in the dark and lamentable London 2012 Slalom Canoe. That is our policy.
You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word. It is Honey Boo Boo. Honey Boo Boo at all costs – Honey Boo Boo in spite of all terrors – Honey Boo Boo, however long and hard the road may be, for without Sanya Richards Ross, there is no London Basketball 2012.
Winston Churchill, May 13, 1940; House of Commons, London
Bradley Cooper Miata Sightings
August 10
The REAL Justin Johnson is Calling You Out Justin Bieber!
August 2
Hey Biebs, Beebs, or Beibs,
Firstly I don’t know how to spell it, and you need to calm down already because if you think for a second I’m gonna Google it, you’re dead wrong, you jerk!
Secondly quit whispering about girlfriends and answer my e-mail! It’s been 3 weeks now, and I e-mailed you directly to what I assume is your Gmail address, justinbieber@gmail.com, and you’re not answering! I need answers Bleib! And I need them now!
The above is my e-mail, look familiar Bieber?!
Ever sense you tried to be me…and by the way, get real there leibs, you’ll never be me, so keep dreabing…I’ve had the cops thinking I’m being chased by the Papparazzi and they’re tailing my every move to ensure I’m “safe.” Well guess what Leave it to Bleiber, having cops around you all the time, isn’t exactly a trip to the funzone!
Thus far you have…
A) Tried to be me, which is sick! QUIT SINGLE WHITE FEMAILING ME!
B) Ruined my life, which is now a permanent low speed, no laws being broken, police chase.
Andddd…
C) I don’t know what “C” is yet, but if you don’t aplogize, I’m sure it will be awful so quit being a jerk!
Honestly, the new album is dope.
Sincerely,
The REAL Justin Johnson!
Indie Rock Trading Deadline
August 1
Listen reader, if you’re reading this I’m betting you don’t know where you’re at. Perhaps you were searching for knit rugs and somehow got here, but I’m A) not judging you, and B) not going to try to figure out what miracle happened to lead you here. That said, I’ve got about 3 followers on Twitter, despite the fact that I’m lighting it up constantly like I’m Clark Griswold! (note to self: add that phrase as a lyric to my rap cd I’m working on). In any case, yesterday all of my worlds collided and #IndieRockTradingDeadline was trending on Twitter. And get this, two of my Indie Rock Trading Deadline tweets were featured on PasteMagazine.com. Don’t believe ME?!?! Check yourself fool! AND, check this out!
http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/1000words/2012/07/20-great-indierocktradedeadline-tweets.html
