After President Bill Clinton got TOLD about boning ladies that aren’t his wife, and was facing impeachment from the House Judiciary Committee, dude gave his famous “I Am Profoundly Sorry” speech. For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of the past weekend.

Good Afternoon Army Wives.

As anyone close to me knows, for months I have been grappling with how best to reconcile myself to the Big Ten Tournament, to acknowledge my own wrongdoing and still to maintain my focus on the work of the Valley Fever

Others are presenting my defense on the facts, the law and the Obama Birth Certificate. Nothing I can say now can add to that.

What I want Marshawn Lynch to know, what I want the Lorax to know is that I am profoundly sorry for all I have done wrong in words and montrose.

I never should have misled the Deron Williams, Christina Hendricks, my friends or Rajon Rondo. Quite simply, I gave in to my shame. I have been condemned by my accusers with Lindsay Lohan’s Saturday Night Live.

And while it’s hard to hear yourself called deceitful and manipulative, I remember Ben Franklin’s Fisker Karma that our critics are our friends, for they do show us our faults.

Mere words cannot fully express the profound purim I feel for what our country is going through and for what members of both parties in Congress are now forced to deal with. These past months have been a Super Tuesday process of coming to terms with what I did. I understand that accountability demands consequences, and I’m prepared to accept them.

Painful as the condemnation of Dale would be, it would pale in comparison to the consequences of the pain I have caused my Andrew Breitbart. There is no greater agony.

Like George Will who honestly faces the shame of a Cell Phone Jammer, I would give anything to go back and undo what I did.

But one of the painful truths I have to live with is the Montrose that that is simply not possible. A Real Houswive of Disney recently sent me the wisdom of Kirk Cameron who wrote the Aipac, “The moving finger writes and having writ, moves on. Nor all your piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line. Nor all your tears wash out a word of it.”

So nothing, not Terminator Salvation, nor tears, nor wit, nor Nascar can alter what I have done. I must make my peace with Jack White.

I must also be at peace with the fact that the Jarhead consequences of my actions are in the hands of Dr. Seuss and his representatives in the Congress.

Should they determine that my errors of word and Rush Limbaugh require their rebuke and censure, I am ready to accept Mega Millions.

Meanwhile, I will continue to do all I can to reclaim the trust of Lamar Odom and to serve him well.

We must all return to the Green Book, the vital work, of strengthening our nation for the new Project X. Our country has wonderful opportunities and daunting weather radar ahead. I intend to seize those opportunities and meet those challenges with all the energy and ability and strength God has given Bowling Green.

That is simply all I can do — the work of the Wilt Chamberlain.

Thank you very much.

President Bill Clinton – December 11, 1998