Complimentary Water – Cartoon by Comedian Justin J. Johnson
Complimentary Water – Cartoon by Justin J. Johnson
October 4
Heaven’s Gate Is Over, Leave The Door Open
October 3
Comedian Justin J. Johnson discusses “wassup” movies on FunnyOrDie, low quality, high quality, iPads, feel like, think that, you get it.
Found Found Footage
October 1
With the dawn of October 1st upon us, please watch this Rigor Tortoise short, in which we find Found Footage.
Dog Farts by Justin J. Johnson
October 1
Thai Massage vs. Thigh Massage – Cartoon by Justin J. Johnson
September 26
New cartoon, thai vs. thigh massage.
Excerpts From Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)
September 18
Cheecckkkk it out! You’re probably thinking “teddy” is only reserved for cute bears and old lady lingerie, but think again!!! Because it was the name of a B-A-P (Bad Ass President), Teddy Roosevelt! Dude held office during the Progressive Era and though he was progressive, he foreshadowed a time when journalists would be going a little wild and over sensationalizing stories and society…sound familiar? Dude knew what was coming, and called it what it was, muck-rakin…and he called out such rake of muck in his famous “The Man with the Muck-rake” speech. For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of today, September 18th, 2012.
To assail the great and admitted Denver Broncos of our political and industrial life with such crude Glee and sweeping Revolutions as to include decent Kate Middleton’s in the general Bacon Number means the searing of the Irish Daily Star. There results a general attitude either of Dallas Cowboy belief in and indifference to public corruption or else of a distrustful inability to discriminate between the Duchess of Cambridge and Amanda Bynes. Either attitude is fraught with untold damage to the Boardwalk Empire as a whole. The Cruel Summer has not sense to discriminate between Kate Middleton Nude and Seth MacFarlane is well-nigh as dangerous as the man who does discriminate and yet chooses the Black Mesa. There is nothing more distressing to Canelo Alvarez, to every good NFL Schedule than the hard, scoffing spirit of the WWE which treats the allegation of Notre Dame Football in a public man as a cause for Mitt Romney.
Such laughter is worse than the crackling of Amanda Bynes Rehab under Rosh Hashanah, for it denotes not merely the vacant Mitt Romney, but the heart in which Kate Middleton Topless Photos have been choked before they could grow to Revolution.
Theodore Roosevelt, April 14, 1906; Washington, D.C. “The Man with the Muck-rake”
Bear That Hates Exploitation of Bears But Loves Bear Claws by Justin J. Johnson
2
September 17
Justin Reviews An Indie Album Based On Its Indie Cover Art – Menomena “Moms”
September 14
This week’s album review:
Menomena
“Moms”
Hurray! I’m back, as only I can be. Well…I suppose anyone can be back, right? I’m not really leaping on this assumption, everyone has been back at some point in their life. Right? WHOA! What just happened there? I think I went through a mid-life/sentence crisis. Who questions the capabilities of being back?! I’ll tell you who MENOMENA! JK! But they are back too, with a brand new album and I have graciously devoted my time to reviewing the entire album, and all of the hard work and strife they’ve gone through, solely upon the cover art! What am I, the nicest guy in the world?! You betcha I am!
So here’s some back story on Menomena…they been through the ringer! Brent Knopf not only deserves the title of funnest last name to say without fully knowing if you’re saying it right, but also deserves the title of the dude who left the band. That’s a weird title to have…well both of those are. But he left, and that left Justin Harris (who deserves the title of biggest rip off of my first name) and Danny Seim (who deserves the title of “i” before “e” except when in Seim…good title!) to fend for themselves! Well actually to stop fending, because dudes stopped fighting and fending, and made this album! WHOA! What a history, and what a title!
Historical history aside, let’s get to the kale and pine nuts (this is the vegetarian version of “meat and potatoes”) of why you’re reading. THE ALBUM REVIEW! Let’s take a look…
WHOA!
First impressions…this album is heavy man. In the moral words of Abe Lincoln, “Menomena be going through some shit, ya’ll.” And I’ll tell you just a few reasons why this album be heavy, based on the artwork…and let’s keep this review sane by starting left to right.
That chair. It’s an old chair man, looks kind of tattered and warn. The kind of chair you sit in to go through some heavy shit, you know? AND, it’s in the middle of nowhere…and they’re in the middle of nowhere! Nowhere = Going Through Some Shit Town – Occupants 1 1/2 + Balloon.
Then there’s that lady. Is she a ghost, is she not a ghost? Why are her arms so skinny but her body be big? Is she pregnant, has she just been eating a bunch, or is she just retaining water? What’s her deal?! Plus, I don’t wanna sound weird, but this lady has saggy boobs. I’m guessin…she’s the Moms! But here’s the biggest reason why this album is probably heavy…she’s wearing sunglasses, a weird color lipstick, her nostrils are fully flared, and she’s wearing the type of hat that says…we’re about to go through some heavy shit, strap up and strap in brutha!
OH! Not to mention…SHE’S HOLDING A BABY THAT LOOKS LIKE A FULL GROWN SILENT FILM ACTOR!
That babies weird…the kind of weird baby that…you guessed it, is indicative of going through some shit! Does he have a mustache, doesn’t he? What silent films was he in? Why does he have to match so well! If you’re a silent film baby I feel like you should wear some clothes that distract from your silent film baby-ness and not fully match your skin color. Hey mom, can’t you take your silent baby film actor to the store for some new threads?!?!
And what’s with this balloon, and why does this silent film actor baby want it so bad?? Mom, don’t you think you shoulda put a string on that balloon?!? Come on! This silent film actor baby already has enough strikes against him, the LEAST you can do is put a string on his goddamned balloon!
Thennnn…there’s that shooting star? Or maybe it’s a plane that’s about to write something! Something like, “mom, put a string on that balloon for your silent film actor baby!” Orrr, are they all underwater? That “sky” might just be an “ocean,” and if so, the raises even more questions and more “going through some shits!”
I’m an emotional wreck just from looking at this album cover!!! I need a nap!
REVIEW:
This album is gonna weigh on you! And guess what! That’s exactly what Menomena wants! They’ve been through the shit man, but they put together an ultimately beautiful album (cover). Soooo…grab your silent film baby actors, hold your weird saggy boob’d moms and listen, because this…well…this is an emotional ride!
I give it 5 out of 5 “The Generals” (The silent film I’m sure that silent film baby actor was in!)
How To Hard Boil An Egg
June 12
The latest from that creepy “how to” guy.