While this image is supposed to be splendid and appealing, here is what it’s really saying…
Hey! Want a great deal on facials? How about one or three facials at only $99! It’s our promise that by the end you’ll look like the WEIRDEST ROBOT MANNEQUIN the world has ever seen!
Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.
And, I love them.
And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.
That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $14 whale-watching cruise adult admission (a $30 value)!!!
Guess how many times I’ve seen Pinocchio. Go ahead, guess.
Honestly, I’ll wait. I’ve got all day. Guess!
7?! Why the hell would I watch Pinocchio 7 times?! You know what, honestly…maybe I have seen it 7 times, I’m not sure. I don’t walk around with a Pinochodometer that measures my steps and the amount of times I’ve seen Pinocchio. The point is, that whale in the movie freaks me out! AND, I don’t wanna get stuck in a whales mouth/stomach!!! It’s a way of living life. Don’t take rides from strangers and don’t get stuck in whale’s mouths! I mean, at first it seems exciting, but I’ve seen enough movies to know that if you get stuck in a whales mouth, your chances of adventure may be high, but so are your chances of death. Knowing this, I steer clear of whales, and more importantly, entering whales mouths! That said, I’m also a man of adventure. I own numerous hats that could be seen as adventurous, thus establishing I am an adventurous man of many hats.
And, furthermore, I’m not going to let my fear of getting trapped in a whales mouth keep me down. So, it should come as no surprise that when I saw a Whale-Watching Cruise Admission for Kid or Adult at Up to 53% OFF on Groupon, I jumped (in a very adventurous way) at the opportunity to purchase it and confront my fears. Whales, here I come.
First String Sportfishing in Central San Pedro promises, “whale-watching cruises that follow the migration route of the Gray Whale for two hours; you might also see dolphins and sea lions.” Holy fuck. Dolphins and sea lions too?! I’m like Oceania Jones over here! Thus, I grab my hat, a net (the Oceania version of a whip) and head on down to Central San Pedro (the place where dreams come true, and adventure is sought and destroyed!).
As I board the First String boat, my first thought is: weak name for a boat. I wanted something dangerous like, “Couldn’t Make First String, But To Hell With It We’re Setting Sail,” or “Mona Lisa Smile,” or “Death Becomes Us,” or “Frank.” You know, a real dangerous boat name. But, I’ll take what I can get, like most adventurers do. After all, I’m Oceania Jones!
The clientele is a little frightful of the journey. Mainly kids and women. It’s clear that should danger arise, I will have to save us all. And you know what? That’s how I like it. I make eye contact with a few, what seem to be models. One of whom introduces herself saying, “Hi, my name is Kate Upton.”
“Okay Kate,” I respond as I walk away smirking. What kind of weirdo introduces themselves with their full name. I mean, sure, you’re a pretty gal, but please don’t be a weirdo.
I check in with the Captain, give him a glance stating that should this boat be in trouble, worry not, for I can take over the wheel and as long as I’m around he’s not going down with the ship, cuz the ship ain’t-a-going down.
We set sail. Oh, it’s of note that this boat doesn’t have a sail, it’s like a fancy boat with tv screens in it and stuff, but dammit, if I’m on a boat and it’s travelling, it’s setting sail.
The ocean feels good on my face, like these droplets of water having been waiting their whole life to journey onto the rugged face of an adventurer. HOT DAMN! Sure enough, as promised, some dolphins start racing alongside the boat.
The kids and women come looking. I’m not as impressed as they are, but something about the look these dolphins give me says we’ll be best friends soon, and I’m probably going to save their Flipper lives! As I’m having this thought, we feel a little bump.
Oh shit. It’s happening. The boat comes to a stop. The Captain is freaked the fuck out as another bump occurs. Something is under us. Another bump, then another. The kids are freaking out, peeing their pants left and right. The models on the boat are losing their shit while trying to take care of the kids. Another bump. Somethings coming and guess what? I’m calm as shit, and that hat I’m wearing looks good. Out in the water, a huge wave begins, the calm before the storm…only this wave isn’t calm, and there isn’t a storm. It’s the current brought on by the huge ass whale that starts coming out of the water.
The kids scream. The dolphins scream. Kate Upton is screaming.
It’s getting closer and closer as its mouth is getting bigger and bigger. I know what comes next. This son of a bitch is gonna swallow us, and we’re all getting Pinoccho’d. Everybody huddles in the middle of the boat, Captain included, as I go towards the part of the boat that will get me nearest to this whale so I can flip it the bird. I know, not too gentlemanly, but c’mon, this whale is SWALLOWING US!
The lights are out. I make a witty comment, “apparently this whale didn’t pay his electric bill.” Nobody hears it because everybody is screaming. Get it together rookies. I don’t worry because everybody knows that eventually you reach the part of the whales mouth where the lighting is pretty good. Sure enough, we do and this seems like the perfect time to announce to everyone that I’m going to save their lives.
“Relax women, children, and the Captain, I’m going to save your lives,” I declare.
“If you do, I, Kate Upton, will make out with you forever,’ says weird Kate Upton. Ughghhgh! What’s with this Kate Upton lady! Yuck!
The kids eyes are getting larger as if I can see them making me their idol for the rest of their lives. I will shape the future leaders of the world by saving their lives from whale consumption. Okay, enough reminiscing about the future, time to save lives! I adjust my hat and jump in the water. HOLY SHIT! Those dolphins! I knew it! I’ve gotta save their lives too! But we’re gonna have to work together. I give the Dolphin a look of telepathic communication. His name is Rick. Weird name for a dolphin, but who am I to judge!
I jump on his back and we ride through the rough terrain of this dumb ass whales mouth. Uh oh, it’s doing that thing where the tide is rising and we’re about to go into its whale stomach or whatever. We can’t have this! And this moment…this exact moment is when I realize. I have no clue what to do! Why did I do this?! Why am I here?! What was I thinking?! I should be at home watching Chopped or something. Just then, I see a baby sea lion.
They said we’d see sea lions on this tour, I just never thought I’d see my first in a huge ass whale’s mouth. It’s little baby sea lions trigger something. That something that only Oceania Jones has. That something that tells me I’m going to ride this dolphin into the air, and throw my hat into its blowhole, thus forcing it to open its mouth and release us.
I ride over to that baby sea lion, tap it on its little baby sea lion head, then ride to the farthest part of this whales mouth, Evil Kneel style. Shits gonna get real. I rev Frank up (the dolphin) and look over to the boat. This could be the end of my life. I look right into that weird Kate Upton girls eyes and yell, “IF I MAKE IT OUT ALIVE, I’M GOING TO TAKE YOU UP ON THAT MAKEOUT OFFER!” She blows a kiss, I tip my hat, and then hit the switch on this dolphin. We’re going fast! 10 mph, 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph…we’re almost at the blowhole…I realize we’re not going fast enough, I’m going to have to jump into the air to make the distance to the blowhole…the moment comes and I jump and toss my hat in the air like I’m LeBron James.
As I’m falling, I see the hat go perfectly into the blowhole and lodge. IT WORKED. I’m still falling. Still falling. Then I hit the water and fade to black.
It didn’t work…it’s still dark. I can’t see anything. I’m afraid. Then I feel the softest touch on my lips. I open my eyes. It’s Kate Upton trying to give me mouth to mouth. I never want to let a Squints-Peffercorn pass me by, so I start to make out with her. She stands up, looking startled and says, “did you just Sandlot Kate Upton.” UGHGUG! Why does she keep calling herself by her own name! Gross. She smiles. I smile (reluctantly, because she’s weird with the name thing).
Then I notice, we made it! We’re back on the seas! We made it out of that whale’s mouth!
The Captain thanks me for saving the boats life, the kids praise me for being their hero for the rest of their life and Kate Upton makes out with me. Just as I think things can’t get any better, Frank pulls up alongside the boat wearing my hat. He thanks me telepathically. I take the hat and tip it to him in honor of our future adventures! Another tale of Oceania Jones, saving lives!
Overall, I’d say this is a good Groupon and you should take advantage of it. It can get a little dangerous, but we all need a little danger now and then, right?
With Adventure,
Oceania Jones
Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.
And, I love them.
And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.
That said; please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of $29 for Fox-1 Combat Mission in a Fighter-Jet Simulator ($59 Value).
Ask me if I’ve ever flown a plane. Go ahead. Ask me. Just asssskkkkk me!! Okay fine, don’t ask me, but the answer is no I have not. Have I thought about it? You bet your ass I have! I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve screamed, “I’M TOP GUN BITCH!” at the top of my lungs driving my car like it’s a plane.
And even though I have the desire and wherewithal to become a top notch top gun, sadly I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m probably not going to become a fighter pilot anytime soon. Pilots gotta train a lot to do that kind of stuff, and honestly, I don’t have the time…these Two Broke Girls episodes aren’t gonna watch themselves ya’ll. Lucky for me, I ain’t gotta train though, because GroupOn just put up a tremendasaurus rex type of deal, which I was barely able to pry myself from watching Kat Dennings throw a hipster zing to purchase!
In a nutshell, this deal promises that “after a brief flying lesson, pilots strap into a fighter-jet simulator for a 45-minute combat session against other guests.” Are you f’n kidding me?! Not only do I get to pretend-fly, but I also get to pretend-go-to-war with others?! DEAL OF MY LIFE!!! Get outta here blonde girl who’s name I don’t know from Two Broke Girls, I’ve got people to zap in the sky!
So I pack my bags (two peanut butter and banana sandwiches…don’t judge me, I’m a soon to be pretend pilot!), and journey to the fake airports of Anaheim! First classy/bitchin’ thing about this place? The parking lot looks exactly like an airport hangar. Bam, nailed it Flightdeck Air Combat Center. I park my sweet C-251 (I imagine there is a kickass plane out there named C-251, right…oh and the “C” stands for Corolla. Affordable and bitchin!), open the door, and enter what, as far as I’m concerned should just be called heaven!
The inside of this place looks like the movie Starship Troopers! I love it! The sweet aroma of confidence has hit my nose and is making its way down to my arms and hands, because I shove the first person I come in contact with, an elderly, but fit man, and tell him, “Lt. Justin here, reporting for dut…reporting to kick some ass is what I’m reporting to!” He looks at me astonished, shakes my hand and escorts me into a Starship Troopin room, where there’s nothing but a single Budweiser poster of a lady in a weird 80’s bikini. Classy. Bitchin. Pilot-y. Love it!
A gentleman barges in the door with a clipboard. “Lieutenant Justin?” he asks?
“NO!” I yell at him. It’s “Lt. Justin.”
He looks at me suspiciously. He’s probably witnessing my mere aura taking over the room and kicking its ass.
“It’s time for your 20-minute classroom lesson Lieut…I mean, Lt. Justin.” he says.
I tell him to go F himself, because “the only way I’m going into a classroom is to teach a lady the proper way a man makes love.” I shake my head, not fully realizing what I just said, then nod as if to say, “yep, I just said that,” and defy the real me that is struggling inside of this Lt. Justin character that this building has created. I grab his clipboard, throw it across the room, take off my clothes and walk out of the room demanding that someone put my flight suit on for me.
I’m immediately tackled by what else, than a beautiful lady who is immediately pulled off of me by some security guards. I walk up to her and whisper in her ear, “trust me, it’s for your own good.” This Lt. Justin guy is too much.
Finally a gentleman provides me with my flight suit, which I begrudgingly put on myself, then exclaim, “I’m ready to save the world, give me my goddamned plane!” A set of triplet dudes escorts me to a room that looks like an exact replica of a cockpit. I slap them in the face! “This isn’t a simulation, the world is in real danger. Now get me a real plane you dumb triplets!” For a guy who was pretty cocky and charismatic, “you dumb triplets” isn’t the kind of zing I thought was coming, but nonetheless, Lt. Justin is still in charge.
They apologize and take me outside. We jump in their new VW Tiguan and exchange some fun banter about the name Tiguan. At one point, I make a joke I can’t remember but ended in, “I’m a Tinguana!” Good one. We arrive at the airport and they drop me off at the US Airways terminal. I walk into check-in like a damned champion, and say, “give me my plane.” They try to play the nice card, telling me I’m not a pilot. I take off running! Jump over those temporary line holder thingies. Yep, jump over all of them! That’s pretty far freakin jump! Then I get to the scanners, I narrowly avoid the first person who is checking id’s, then slip through the scanner, and BAM! I’m knocked the F out by an old lady who hits me with her hard-shell carry-on, and then said, “ain’t no little bitch gonna cut in front of me!”
The cuffs are put on, and I’m carried out of the building by some bulky police officers. My ride ends, but what a ride it was. Thanks Flightdeck Air Combat Center, I’M TOP GUN BITCH!”
Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.
And, I love them.
And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.
That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $27 Sampler of Five Mini Bottles of Olive Oils and Vinegars ($54 Value!)
When it comes to Olive Oils and Vinegars, I’m a wildman. I’ll throw that shit all over the place. What am I cooking, some vegetables? Throw some OO and V on a pan, throw those veggies in, and PARTY! Oh, some salmon? OO and V, throw the Salmon corpse down on the pan, and PARTY! Cheerios? OO and V, Cheerios, pan, PARTY! Doesn’t matter. OO and V = PARTY!!!!!!!!!
So, when Groupon promised that “in a nutshell” an online company would deliver fresh & certified California extra-virgin olive oils & vinegars to my doorsteps, I jumped! I’d be a fool not to! And trust me, I ain’tint no fool! So, I clicked buy and awaited my package on my doorstep. It should be noted that there is not step to my door. It’s just a door. I hoped this wouldn’t be a problem.
As I sat in silence for three days on a sole chair pointed directly towards the window (so I could see when the mailman arrived), I began to tire. Both physically and spiritually. Also, metaphorically. I think. That is until towards the end of day three when I saw my mailman walking by and I jumped up! (sidenote: there is a lot of jumping when it comes to purchasing OO and V. If you’re going to make this purchase, be prepared for your calves to get RIPPED!)
Anxiously opening the door, I was greeted with Rogers smile as he held his right hand out to shake mine, left hand holding my precious package.
It should be mentioned that Roger is my mailman, has been since I’ve resided in my lovely apartment building. What a treat to the world this guy is. Always smiling and though he’s 63 years old, and of age to retire, he doesn’t want to. Loves the job too much! Been doing it for 25 years now.
Prior to that he spent his previous 20 work years saving people randomly. Yeah, he was basically a superhero, just wandered around saving people’s lives. Was always in the right place at the right time. Someone choking on a bone, Roger was there to give the Heimlich. Someone held at gun point, Roger was there to talk the villain down. Someone about to get their head hit by that part of the sail boat the swirls around when you change course? Roger was there to pull the person down. Last it was counted, he saved half the current population’s lives…and he was my mailman. What. A. Lucky. Guy. I. Am.
So this worldly treasure shakes my hand, and with his other arm he goes to hand me the package, but promptly shakes a bit and falls to his knees. It dawns on me, Roger is having some sort of medical problem, I jump up in the air, put my hands on my head and yell, “NO!” Roger falls completely down to the ground, my package still in his arms.
I go down to the ground and ask him, “Roger, what’s happening, how can I help you?!!”
Roger replies in a trembling voice, “I knew this would happen one day. There was one person I wasn’t able to save in my life. She was a gypsy in Tallahassee. She was 104-years-old and allergic to peanut butter. Someone gave her a peanut butter sandwich on accident, and in her old age she ate it thinking it was a grilled cheese. I was two park benches down from her when I heard her daughter scream. When I arrived…it was too late.”
“Roger, that’s not your fault; she’s a dummy for eating that sandwich. I mean, she had 104 years to figure out she was allergic to that sandwich, she shouldn’t have eaten it. Don’t get down buddy,” I retort.
“No, it was my fault,” Roger says, holding back tears. “Right after she breathed her last breath, her daughter turned to me and said “you! You should have saved her life! I will curse you. One day you will drop to the ground and the only thing that will help you is if you ingest olive oil immediately.””
“Roger. You’re gonna be okay!!! That’s what’s in the box!” I scream, jumping up again.
“Not that easy kiddo,” Roger says, full on crying now. “It’s gotta be a combination of meyer-lemon with fresh-basil.”
“AHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s exactly what’s in there!!” I scream, jumping again, putting my hands back on my head.
He opens the box, pulls out those delicious bottles and downs them like a watermelon flavored Gatorade!. Standing up, he wipes the tears from his eyes and leftover oil from his mouth, hugs me and says, “I saved a million lives, but you are the only one who has saved mine. You’re the real worldly treasure Justin.”
We embrace softly and he goes about delivering the rest of his mail.
Thank you Oliovera Olive Oil and Vinegars. You helped me save the World’s Greatest Treasure, Roger my mailman. Go out and buy this Groupon people, it’s worth it. Just ask Roger.
Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.
And, I love them.
And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.
That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $42 Colonic Treatment (51% Off!)!!!
I eat a lot of fiber and I take a daily probiotic. That said, pooping has never been a problem for me. But as is the case with the rest of my life, though I’m beyond stellar, I always feel like I can do a slightly better job, and the cleaning of my colon is no exception.
The Groupon promised that “in a nutshell” I would experience “warm, carbon-filtered water flushing toxins from lower digestive tract as therapists massage belly to coax out stubborn debris.” Am I paying $42 for a trip to Hawaii, or a colonic here? I’m in!
Now, I live on the Westside, so a trip to Inner Ecology on Pico is no problem at all. Parking was a sitch, and the only thing the delayed my arrival was the fact that “Ignition” by R. Kelly came on my car stereo right as I parked. I would be a fool not to remain seated in my car, hand dancing the remainder of the song, even if Heaven was waiting.
I feed the meter, (it’s street parking you guys, but probably the best street parking ever, as one quarter got me 6 hours, could this be the best day of my life?!) then walk up to an all golden door that looks heavy as shit, but opens easy as a feather door and what do I see…FOUNTAINS! The waiting room has fountains everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It’s practically like being in a Fountain Palace. Practically, not quite.
Behind a floating desk is a woman I can only describe as the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She welcomes me in a soft voice that gently enters my ear canal and massages it. I know I’m in for a treat. There is no sign in sheet at all, she just asks me for my zodiac sign and says “we can figure out the rest, please follow me.” I do. As she gets up, I notice she’s not wearing any pants and I follow her back.
The hallway as you can guess is filled with more fountains and pictures of celebrities who have visited, and all of them are taking pictures with Morgan Freeman while having the colonic done. Perhaps he lives here? I’m not sure, but looking forward to possibly meeting him.
Now here’s the weird part…she leads me into a room (still not wearing pants, still looking gorgeous) and this room is covered in quilts and down comforters. Essentially the most comfortable looking room you will ever see. I almost fell asleep just looking at it. She asks me to take a seat. I reply, “where, there are no chairs.” She says, “wherever.” I do, and she leaves closing the door behind her.
I settle in for the long haul (comfortably), expecting in typical fashion the doctor will be a while (not sure if these people are called Doctor’s, but I’m going with it), and there is an immediate knock on the door. No wait at all. Are you kidding me?! It’s another beautiful woman, she’s also not wearing any pants (I should clarify that both are wearing underwear so it’s not weird or anything). She enters as most angels do, in a cloud of beautiful light. I am stunned. From said light, she says, “Mike’s Hard Lemonade?” and hands me a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Now, at this point this was my only complaint. I don’t enjoy Mike’s Hard Lemonade, nor do I know of anyone who does.
Taken aback, I say yes and accept the MHL. She simply says, “drink up and you will be finished.” Confused, but not wanting to decline an Angel’s invitation I drink. I hand the bottle back to her, she says, “you are now cleansed” at which point I can feel my insides cleansing, then stand up to feel lighter and fresher than I ever have. With concern she says, “no, no, no, please sit back down for your massage. “ Not one to argue, I do and then two beautiful women with no pants come in and give me the best shoulder massage I have ever received.
I open my eyes in pure bliss, only to find that I am back home, in my bed, Storage Wars has just started, I’ve never felt cleaner, and in my hands is a picture of me and Morgan Freeman.
Amazing. Simply amazing. Other than the Mike’s Hard Lemonade, I cannot recommend this Groupon enough. Rush out and buy one before they’re all gone!