Hipster Christmas Miracles – Nursery Grimes
December 17
Nissan Gives Justin a Versa Note?
June 28
I’m basically a marketing genius. And with this genius comes a non stop flux of ideas. My recent idea? Selling myself out (in a very good way), by asking Nissan to provide me with a Versa Note to drive around Los Angeles in my day to day adventures, so as to increase brand awareness around the vehicle. Great idea right? You probably don’t even know what a Versa Note is you silly reader. Regardless, I sent them some a “note.” Get it?! Let’s see if they wise up and provide me with one!
Assassin’s Creed 3 Meets Parkour in Real Life – Justin J. Johnson Responds To YouTube Comments
November 19
Hey! Check it out, I’m back to engaging with YouTube viewers via: Assassin’s Creed 3 Meets Parkour in Real Life – Justin J. Johnson Responds To YouTube Comments. ENJOY!
Here Comes The Boom, Kevin James Saving The World
September 27
Comedian Justin J. Johnson discusses just how Kevin James might be able to save us all…including, the world.
My Imaginary Groupon Purchase – $29 for Fox-1 Combat Mission in a Fighter-Jet Simulator ($59 Value)
September 20
Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.
And, I love them.
And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.
That said; please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of $29 for Fox-1 Combat Mission in a Fighter-Jet Simulator ($59 Value).
Ask me if I’ve ever flown a plane. Go ahead. Ask me. Just asssskkkkk me!! Okay fine, don’t ask me, but the answer is no I have not. Have I thought about it? You bet your ass I have! I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve screamed, “I’M TOP GUN BITCH!” at the top of my lungs driving my car like it’s a plane.
And even though I have the desire and wherewithal to become a top notch top gun, sadly I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m probably not going to become a fighter pilot anytime soon. Pilots gotta train a lot to do that kind of stuff, and honestly, I don’t have the time…these Two Broke Girls episodes aren’t gonna watch themselves ya’ll. Lucky for me, I ain’t gotta train though, because GroupOn just put up a tremendasaurus rex type of deal, which I was barely able to pry myself from watching Kat Dennings throw a hipster zing to purchase!
In a nutshell, this deal promises that “after a brief flying lesson, pilots strap into a fighter-jet simulator for a 45-minute combat session against other guests.” Are you f’n kidding me?! Not only do I get to pretend-fly, but I also get to pretend-go-to-war with others?! DEAL OF MY LIFE!!! Get outta here blonde girl who’s name I don’t know from Two Broke Girls, I’ve got people to zap in the sky!
So I pack my bags (two peanut butter and banana sandwiches…don’t judge me, I’m a soon to be pretend pilot!), and journey to the fake airports of Anaheim! First classy/bitchin’ thing about this place? The parking lot looks exactly like an airport hangar. Bam, nailed it Flightdeck Air Combat Center. I park my sweet C-251 (I imagine there is a kickass plane out there named C-251, right…oh and the “C” stands for Corolla. Affordable and bitchin!), open the door, and enter what, as far as I’m concerned should just be called heaven!
The inside of this place looks like the movie Starship Troopers! I love it! The sweet aroma of confidence has hit my nose and is making its way down to my arms and hands, because I shove the first person I come in contact with, an elderly, but fit man, and tell him, “Lt. Justin here, reporting for dut…reporting to kick some ass is what I’m reporting to!” He looks at me astonished, shakes my hand and escorts me into a Starship Troopin room, where there’s nothing but a single Budweiser poster of a lady in a weird 80’s bikini. Classy. Bitchin. Pilot-y. Love it!
A gentleman barges in the door with a clipboard. “Lieutenant Justin?” he asks?
“NO!” I yell at him. It’s “Lt. Justin.”
He looks at me suspiciously. He’s probably witnessing my mere aura taking over the room and kicking its ass.
“It’s time for your 20-minute classroom lesson Lieut…I mean, Lt. Justin.” he says.
I tell him to go F himself, because “the only way I’m going into a classroom is to teach a lady the proper way a man makes love.” I shake my head, not fully realizing what I just said, then nod as if to say, “yep, I just said that,” and defy the real me that is struggling inside of this Lt. Justin character that this building has created. I grab his clipboard, throw it across the room, take off my clothes and walk out of the room demanding that someone put my flight suit on for me.
I’m immediately tackled by what else, than a beautiful lady who is immediately pulled off of me by some security guards. I walk up to her and whisper in her ear, “trust me, it’s for your own good.” This Lt. Justin guy is too much.
Finally a gentleman provides me with my flight suit, which I begrudgingly put on myself, then exclaim, “I’m ready to save the world, give me my goddamned plane!” A set of triplet dudes escorts me to a room that looks like an exact replica of a cockpit. I slap them in the face! “This isn’t a simulation, the world is in real danger. Now get me a real plane you dumb triplets!” For a guy who was pretty cocky and charismatic, “you dumb triplets” isn’t the kind of zing I thought was coming, but nonetheless, Lt. Justin is still in charge.
They apologize and take me outside. We jump in their new VW Tiguan and exchange some fun banter about the name Tiguan. At one point, I make a joke I can’t remember but ended in, “I’m a Tinguana!” Good one. We arrive at the airport and they drop me off at the US Airways terminal. I walk into check-in like a damned champion, and say, “give me my plane.” They try to play the nice card, telling me I’m not a pilot. I take off running! Jump over those temporary line holder thingies. Yep, jump over all of them! That’s pretty far freakin jump! Then I get to the scanners, I narrowly avoid the first person who is checking id’s, then slip through the scanner, and BAM! I’m knocked the F out by an old lady who hits me with her hard-shell carry-on, and then said, “ain’t no little bitch gonna cut in front of me!”
The cuffs are put on, and I’m carried out of the building by some bulky police officers. My ride ends, but what a ride it was. Thanks Flightdeck Air Combat Center, I’M TOP GUN BITCH!”
Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)
March 23
Everybody loves puppies, am I right?! I’m right. But you know one dude who loved puppies more than anyone else? George Graham Vest! Dude loved puppies so much, that he is known for a puppy speech. See, this creepshow jerk asshole guy killed his dog, and George Graham Vest gave him the business in a remarkable speech known as “Tribute to the Dog.” For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of the past week.
Gentlemen of Marquette University: The best friend Chipper Jones has in the world may turn against him and become his vernal equinox. His son or October baby that he has reared with loving care may prove Whitney Houston’s cause of death. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our etch a sketch may become traitors to their walking dead. The money that Tim Tebow has, he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. George Zimmerman’s reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of Hunger Games movie review. Al Sharpton who is prone to fall on his knees to do us honor when success is with us, may be the first to throw Roger Goodell the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our Andrew Luck Pro Day.
The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this Kim Kardashian Flour world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his Matt Forte. A man’s Matt Forte stands by him in prosperity and in Hunger Games, in health and in the NCAA. He will sleep on the cold ground of Ohio State, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near Matt Forte’s side. He will kiss the hand that Billy Joel has no food to offer. He will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the Million Hoodie March. He guards the New York Jets of his pauper master as if he were the host. When the New Orleans Saints desert, he remains Tebow Jets. When riches take etch a sketch Romney, and Sean Payton’s reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as Jeremy Shockey in his journey through the heavens.
If Mark Sanchez drives the master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful Jennifer Lawrence asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against Romney etch a sketch. And when the last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his Josh Johnson is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by the graveside will the noble Katniss be found, her head between her paws, her eyes Peyton Manning, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even in the first day of spring.
George Graham Vest – c. 1855
My Imaginary Groupon Purchase – Inner Ecology – Santa Monica Colonic
January 30
Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.
And, I love them.
And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.
That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $42 Colonic Treatment (51% Off!)!!!
I eat a lot of fiber and I take a daily probiotic. That said, pooping has never been a problem for me. But as is the case with the rest of my life, though I’m beyond stellar, I always feel like I can do a slightly better job, and the cleaning of my colon is no exception.
The Groupon promised that “in a nutshell” I would experience “warm, carbon-filtered water flushing toxins from lower digestive tract as therapists massage belly to coax out stubborn debris.” Am I paying $42 for a trip to Hawaii, or a colonic here? I’m in!
Now, I live on the Westside, so a trip to Inner Ecology on Pico is no problem at all. Parking was a sitch, and the only thing the delayed my arrival was the fact that “Ignition” by R. Kelly came on my car stereo right as I parked. I would be a fool not to remain seated in my car, hand dancing the remainder of the song, even if Heaven was waiting.
I feed the meter, (it’s street parking you guys, but probably the best street parking ever, as one quarter got me 6 hours, could this be the best day of my life?!) then walk up to an all golden door that looks heavy as shit, but opens easy as a feather door and what do I see…FOUNTAINS! The waiting room has fountains everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It’s practically like being in a Fountain Palace. Practically, not quite.
Behind a floating desk is a woman I can only describe as the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She welcomes me in a soft voice that gently enters my ear canal and massages it. I know I’m in for a treat. There is no sign in sheet at all, she just asks me for my zodiac sign and says “we can figure out the rest, please follow me.” I do. As she gets up, I notice she’s not wearing any pants and I follow her back.
The hallway as you can guess is filled with more fountains and pictures of celebrities who have visited, and all of them are taking pictures with Morgan Freeman while having the colonic done. Perhaps he lives here? I’m not sure, but looking forward to possibly meeting him.
Now here’s the weird part…she leads me into a room (still not wearing pants, still looking gorgeous) and this room is covered in quilts and down comforters. Essentially the most comfortable looking room you will ever see. I almost fell asleep just looking at it. She asks me to take a seat. I reply, “where, there are no chairs.” She says, “wherever.” I do, and she leaves closing the door behind her.
I settle in for the long haul (comfortably), expecting in typical fashion the doctor will be a while (not sure if these people are called Doctor’s, but I’m going with it), and there is an immediate knock on the door. No wait at all. Are you kidding me?! It’s another beautiful woman, she’s also not wearing any pants (I should clarify that both are wearing underwear so it’s not weird or anything). She enters as most angels do, in a cloud of beautiful light. I am stunned. From said light, she says, “Mike’s Hard Lemonade?” and hands me a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Now, at this point this was my only complaint. I don’t enjoy Mike’s Hard Lemonade, nor do I know of anyone who does.
Taken aback, I say yes and accept the MHL. She simply says, “drink up and you will be finished.” Confused, but not wanting to decline an Angel’s invitation I drink. I hand the bottle back to her, she says, “you are now cleansed” at which point I can feel my insides cleansing, then stand up to feel lighter and fresher than I ever have. With concern she says, “no, no, no, please sit back down for your massage. “ Not one to argue, I do and then two beautiful women with no pants come in and give me the best shoulder massage I have ever received.
I open my eyes in pure bliss, only to find that I am back home, in my bed, Storage Wars has just started, I’ve never felt cleaner, and in my hands is a picture of me and Morgan Freeman.
Amazing. Simply amazing. Other than the Mike’s Hard Lemonade, I cannot recommend this Groupon enough. Rush out and buy one before they’re all gone!