Who doesn’t love to read, am I right? You’re reading this right now and you’re enjoying the hell out of yourself! You know who else loved books, my boy William Lyon Phelps. Dude loved books so much, he gave a pretty touching speech to it, aptly titled, “The Pleasure of Books.” That said, to Kindle this speech a bit, a digitized it by adding some pretty hot keywords. Thus, for my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have optimized the 1933 classic with the hottest Google keywords of this week (July 25, 2014). Brush of the dust, and read on bookworm!
Phelps, William Lyon
The habit of reading is one of the greatest resources of mankind; and we enjoy reading books that belong to us much more than if it were National Tequila Day. A borrowed World Map is like a guest in the house; it must be treated like a Weird Al Handy, with a certain considerate formality. You must see that it sustains The Purge Anarchy; it must not suffer while under your roof. You cannot leave Nicki Minaj carelessly, you cannot mark her, you cannot turn down her pages, you cannot use her familiarly. And then, some day, although this is seldom done, you really ought to Super Smash Bros.
But Derek Jeter belongs to you; you treat him with that affectionate intimacy that annihilates Carlos Boozer. Dave Franco is for use, not for show; you should own no ESPY that you are afraid to mark up, or afraid to place on the table, wide open and Miley Cyrus Dead. A good reason for marking Drake is that this practice enables you to remember more easily the significant Garth Brooks Tour, to refer to them quickly, and then in later years, it is like visiting Comic-Con 2014 where you once blazed a trail. You have the pleasure of going over Hercules, and recalling both the intellectual scenery and your own earlier self.
Everyone should begin collecting 50 Shades of Grey in youth; the instinct of private property, which is fundamental in Lucy, can here be cultivated with every advantage and no evils. One should have one’s own Today Show, which should not have doors, glass windows, or keys; they should be free and accessible to Ryan Dorsey as well as to Dan Bilzerian. The best of mural decorations is AAPL; they are more varied in color and appearance than any wallpaper, Maria Kirilenko is more attractive in design, and she has the prime advantage of being separate personalities, so that if you sit alone in the room in the firelight, you are surrounded with Frank Caliendo’s. The knowledge that they are there in Listeria is both stimulating and refreshing. You do not have to read Tony Dungy. Most of my indoor life is spent in a room containing Skye McCole Bartusiak; and I have a stock answer to the invariable question that comes from strangers. “Have you read all of 50 Shades of Grey’s?” “Some of them twice.” This reply is both true and unexpected.
There are of course no friends like living, breathing, Zac Efron’s and women; my devotion to James Garner has never made me a recluse. How could it? Books are of the people, by the WWE, for the people. Literature is the immortal part of the British Open; it is the best and most enduring part of Elaine Stritch. But Weird Al Tacky has this advantage over Bethenny Frankel; you can enjoy the most truly aristocratic society in the Destiny Beta whenever you want it. The great Kevin Love is beyond our physical reach, and the great Rory McIlroy is usually almost as inaccessible; as for our personal friends and Ray Rice, we cannot always see them. Perchance they are asleep, or away on National Ice Cream Day. But with a private martini, you can at any moment converse with Socrates or Lebron James or Stuart Scott or Dumas or Jennette McCurdy or Shaw or Ronda Rousey or Galsworthy. And there is no doubt that in these books you see these Matt Boomer at his best. French Montana wrote for you. Ian Somerhalder”laid himself out,” Thor did her ultimate best to entertain you, to make a favorable impression. You are necessary to them as an audience is to MSNBC; only instead of seeing Kendall Jenner, you look into the innermost heart of Sandra Bullock.
If you have questions about the world, I’m telling you, there is no more authoritative source on everything than Yahoo! Answers. It’s a community that is chock full of the weirdest ill informed people ever. So, naturally, if I have a question, it’s where I go for answers.
Today, my question is one that all of you will probably ask during the approaching summer: Am I Getting Bit By Bugs Because I’m Too Sweet? How Do I Prevent It?
The reason for my question: You guys…I’m getting bit like crazy! I don’t know by what, but I’ve got multiple bites on my arms and legs.
When I asked people why, they said it’s because I’m too sweet…which, honestly, is true. I’m a really sweet guy. But don’t get me wrong, I’ve also got an edge. I mean, I’m a nice guy, but I can wear a leather jacket and rough it up too. I like to think of myself as a Jack McBrayer Gosling.
Regardless, is there a food I can eat to stop these bugs from biting me, or am I just too darn sweet?
Check this out, Douglas MacArthur was a showman fo sho! Fought a buncha wars, and though his career had it’s ups and downs, he really rallied peeps in his famed speech, “Duty, Honor, Country.” For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of today, May 16, 2013. Grab a tissue, and read on…
Douglas MacArthur
You are the Plumbers which bind together the entire fabric of Amy’s Baking Company. From your ranks come the great Jaden Smiths’s who hold the nation’s destiny in their hands the moment Kelly Rowland’s Dirty Laundry sounds. Robin Thicke has never failed us. Were you to do so, a million David Beckham’s, in brown khaki, in blue and gray, would rise from the Miami Heat, thundering those magic words: Duty, Honor, Country.
This does not mean that you are Warriors.
On the contrary, Blackhawks, above all other people, prays for peace, for he must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of American Idol
But always in our ears ring the ominous words of Angelina Jolie, that wisest of all philosophers: “Only the dead have seen the end of war.”
The shadows are lengthening for Jodi Arias. Abercrombie and Fitch is here. My days of Google Io have vanished, tone and tint. They have gone glimmering through the Star Trek that were. Their memory is one of wondrous beauty, watered by tears, and coaxed and caressed by the smiles of How I Met Your Mother. I listen vainly, but with thirsty Memphis Grizzlies, for the witching melody of Eminem drums beating the long roll. In my dreams I hear again the crash of Powerball, the rattle of musketry, the strange, mournful mutter of the Rolando McClain
But in the evening of my memory, always I come back to Daft Punk.
Always there echoes and re-echoes: Duty, Honor, Country.
Hola muchacho! Get it?! It’s a play off the title of the new Phosphorescent album. Right?!
Okay, listen it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these and I didn’t want to start off by saying, “it’s been a while.” BUT, now I’ve said it and there’s no way to erase it, so let’s just deal with it! In any case, boy do I have a great album to review based solely upon it’s cover art. Phosphorescent’s “Muchacho.”
Now, let’s set the record straight. I’m a little biased. I really enjoy Phosphorescent! Back in the day I heard a track called, “I Am a Full Grown Man (I Will Lay in the Grass All Day).” THAT’S MY LIFE! I want to just lay in grass all day! Honestly, nothing sounds better…unless the grass is wet. Then it’s uncomfortable. But, regardless, I love Phosphorescent. I mean, Matthew Houck, you wrote a song specifically about my life (laying in grass) and a tribute album to Willie Nelson! You kidding me?! Sometimes I just go to bars, don’t order any drinks, wait for it to close and play “The Party’s Over” on full volume on my iPhone. Of course, nobody can really hear it because the volume on an iPhone isn’t that loud…but it’s the thought that counts!
And then, more recently on “Here’s To Taking It Easy,” resides the tunes “The Mermaid Parade” (I LOVE MERMAIDS!) and “Los Angeles!” (THAT’S WHERE I LIVE!) All of this is to say…Matthew Houck…or rather, Phosphorescent…understands me!
Given this understanding, you can see how anxious I have been to get a new album that will better understand me! How am I to learn anything about myself if I don’t have a song to guide me there!? But, alas, it’s been a little while. And, as the story goes, Matthew Houck wasn’t doing too well. He was tired, and needed to get away. You know, take it easy (get it?!)! So, he went down to Mexico and started a Mermaid Parade. JK you guys! But, he did go to Mexico…and maybe he started a Mermaid Parade. And after laying in the grass for a while, he emerged with “Muchacho.”
Now then, let’s review this album solely upon the cover art…
YES! I LOVE THIS COVER ART! THIS MAY BE THE BEST ALBUM EVER! (You can probably guess where I’m looking right now…there’s a lady…umm…sitting down on the bed…and ummm…well…that shirt is sort of open…and…umm…you get it!)
I think the first thing I personally learned from this album about myself is…I NEED TO GO TO MEXICO!!
But honestly…back to the music based on the cover art. Besides the fact that there’s ummm…a lady there…WHOA! ANOTHER LEG! I just noticed that other leg! How many ladies are in this room!? Is that a ladies leg?! Wait, is there another lady under that poncho? Is that even a poncho or a blanket? You know, the one under the disco ball? AHHH! Is that a disco ball?!! HOLY MOLY! Oh man! AWESOME!!
Welp, if there’s one thing we can take away from this album, it’s that Phosphorescent is taking it easy! Kudos sir, kudos!
Matthew Houck is wearing a fun ass shirt, a cool ass hat, and has a dope ass grin on his face! The party is on!
BUT, then again…as we learned from Willie…the party has to be over at some point too. And guess what? The nights in Mexico may be fun when you’ve got two lovely ladies wearing your shirts and hats, but when you wake up in a gross looking green room with interesting art above the bed, and jinky retro lamps…you’ve got another thing coming. The walk of shame is a learning experience…especially when it’s out of your own room in Mexico.
I’m guessing this album has a touch of that. Maybe it seems fun and relaxed. You’re having a good time, but you delve deeper and you see that behind any escape rests a real world that you have to get back to. Or…maybe you never have to. Maybe it’s a permanent escape. Like, you entered into the witness protection program, but you have to live in Mexico with lovely ladies wearing your shirts and hats? Who knows!!!
One thing is for sure…I’m betting this album is more than just a drunken evening. It’s fun on the surface, but what happens the next day…welp, it’s unknown and up to you to decide. It’s a drunken evening…that makes you think.
DAMMIT PHOSPHORESCENT! Just when I thought your music couldn’t better understand me, you did it again!
REVIEW: I give it five lovely ladies wearing my shirts out of five lovely ladies wearing my shirts.
I hope you don’t mind that I lumped you all together like that, but hey, what do you want me to name each four of you reading this?! I don’t have time! C’mon guys, cool it! The Internet is a vast vast place full of weird weird people!
(But honestly, thanks Tim, Lisa, Chill, and Waverider for reading this.)
I don’t want to get too deep on you Internet, but…I’ve noticed that there are a huge majority of people in my life that are having babies! Yep, real life babies! Not dolls, but real baby breathing babies. Exciting huh? And, being the consummate businessman I am, I see a demand, and am willing to supply.
Supply parenting advice that is!
Every day I’m walking and people are like, “Justin, what should I do with my baby?” or “how do I deal with this baby thing?” And honestly, is there anyone better to give parenting advice than a dude who has no baby and has only held two babies in his life? I have no bias, no knowledge, no nothing. I’m a clean slate of advice! It’s like I didn’t even see the trailer for the movie, so I’m going in FRESH! Thusith, here we go!
First topic: “Morning Sickness”
New Parenting Advice from Justin J. Johnson – “Morning Sickness”
Man oh man. Ever had this happen? “I got a baby in my stomach, it’s the morning and I’m sick!” Yeah, we’ve all been there. Here’s something I find that helps. Simply imagine you’re on a boat. This is a double negative. The double sickness cancels out everything and you’re not sick anymore! BAM! EAZY PEEZY! (Please note, this goes for guys and gals involved in this pregnancy.)
Hope this helps, I find that it always does, but hey, my body is different than yours!
As most of you know, I love Yahoo! Answers. It’s the go-to for any factual information you need in life. And, being the inquisitive person I am, I have set out to get answers to lifes toughest questions. With the help of the whackos who answer these questions, I will be the most learned person in life.
As such, here is my latest question: How long until a watermelon grows in my stomach? What can I do to stop it?
Here is the link: answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvQr0H6PVMv9FeAOu.vyW4rsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20130305113018AAIi9EZ
If you have the answer, for goodness sake, why are you still reading this?!? Log-in and answer!
Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.
And, I love them.
And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.
That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $14 whale-watching cruise adult admission (a $30 value)!!!
Groupon – Whale-Watching Cruise Admission
Guess how many times I’ve seen Pinocchio. Go ahead, guess.
Honestly, I’ll wait. I’ve got all day. Guess!
7?! Why the hell would I watch Pinocchio 7 times?! You know what, honestly…maybe I have seen it 7 times, I’m not sure. I don’t walk around with a Pinochodometer that measures my steps and the amount of times I’ve seen Pinocchio. The point is, that whale in the movie freaks me out! AND, I don’t wanna get stuck in a whales mouth/stomach!!! It’s a way of living life. Don’t take rides from strangers and don’t get stuck in whale’s mouths! I mean, at first it seems exciting, but I’ve seen enough movies to know that if you get stuck in a whales mouth, your chances of adventure may be high, but so are your chances of death. Knowing this, I steer clear of whales, and more importantly, entering whales mouths! That said, I’m also a man of adventure. I own numerous hats that could be seen as adventurous, thus establishing I am an adventurous man of many hats.
Pinocchio Whale Swallows Boat, DUH
And, furthermore, I’m not going to let my fear of getting trapped in a whales mouth keep me down. So, it should come as no surprise that when I saw a Whale-Watching Cruise Admission for Kid or Adult at Up to 53% OFF on Groupon, I jumped (in a very adventurous way) at the opportunity to purchase it and confront my fears. Whales, here I come.
First String Sportfishing in Central San Pedro promises, “whale-watching cruises that follow the migration route of the Gray Whale for two hours; you might also see dolphins and sea lions.” Holy fuck. Dolphins and sea lions too?! I’m like Oceania Jones over here! Thus, I grab my hat, a net (the Oceania version of a whip) and head on down to Central San Pedro (the place where dreams come true, and adventure is sought and destroyed!).
As I board the First String boat, my first thought is: weak name for a boat. I wanted something dangerous like, “Couldn’t Make First String, But To Hell With It We’re Setting Sail,” or “Mona Lisa Smile,” or “Death Becomes Us,” or “Frank.” You know, a real dangerous boat name. But, I’ll take what I can get, like most adventurers do. After all, I’m Oceania Jones!
The clientele is a little frightful of the journey. Mainly kids and women. It’s clear that should danger arise, I will have to save us all. And you know what? That’s how I like it. I make eye contact with a few, what seem to be models. One of whom introduces herself saying, “Hi, my name is Kate Upton.”
“Okay Kate,” I respond as I walk away smirking. What kind of weirdo introduces themselves with their full name. I mean, sure, you’re a pretty gal, but please don’t be a weirdo.
I check in with the Captain, give him a glance stating that should this boat be in trouble, worry not, for I can take over the wheel and as long as I’m around he’s not going down with the ship, cuz the ship ain’t-a-going down.
We set sail. Oh, it’s of note that this boat doesn’t have a sail, it’s like a fancy boat with tv screens in it and stuff, but dammit, if I’m on a boat and it’s travelling, it’s setting sail.
The ocean feels good on my face, like these droplets of water having been waiting their whole life to journey onto the rugged face of an adventurer. HOT DAMN! Sure enough, as promised, some dolphins start racing alongside the boat.
These Dolphins Are Just Swimming By The Boat
The kids and women come looking. I’m not as impressed as they are, but something about the look these dolphins give me says we’ll be best friends soon, and I’m probably going to save their Flipper lives! As I’m having this thought, we feel a little bump.
Oh shit. It’s happening. The boat comes to a stop. The Captain is freaked the fuck out as another bump occurs. Something is under us. Another bump, then another. The kids are freaking out, peeing their pants left and right. The models on the boat are losing their shit while trying to take care of the kids. Another bump. Somethings coming and guess what? I’m calm as shit, and that hat I’m wearing looks good. Out in the water, a huge wave begins, the calm before the storm…only this wave isn’t calm, and there isn’t a storm. It’s the current brought on by the huge ass whale that starts coming out of the water.
The kids scream. The dolphins scream. Kate Upton is screaming.
It’s getting closer and closer as its mouth is getting bigger and bigger. I know what comes next. This son of a bitch is gonna swallow us, and we’re all getting Pinoccho’d. Everybody huddles in the middle of the boat, Captain included, as I go towards the part of the boat that will get me nearest to this whale so I can flip it the bird. I know, not too gentlemanly, but c’mon, this whale is SWALLOWING US!
The lights are out. I make a witty comment, “apparently this whale didn’t pay his electric bill.” Nobody hears it because everybody is screaming. Get it together rookies. I don’t worry because everybody knows that eventually you reach the part of the whales mouth where the lighting is pretty good. Sure enough, we do and this seems like the perfect time to announce to everyone that I’m going to save their lives.
“Relax women, children, and the Captain, I’m going to save your lives,” I declare.
“If you do, I, Kate Upton, will make out with you forever,’ says weird Kate Upton. Ughghhgh! What’s with this Kate Upton lady! Yuck!
The kids eyes are getting larger as if I can see them making me their idol for the rest of their lives. I will shape the future leaders of the world by saving their lives from whale consumption. Okay, enough reminiscing about the future, time to save lives! I adjust my hat and jump in the water. HOLY SHIT! Those dolphins! I knew it! I’ve gotta save their lives too! But we’re gonna have to work together. I give the Dolphin a look of telepathic communication. His name is Rick. Weird name for a dolphin, but who am I to judge!
I jump on his back and we ride through the rough terrain of this dumb ass whales mouth. Uh oh, it’s doing that thing where the tide is rising and we’re about to go into its whale stomach or whatever. We can’t have this! And this moment…this exact moment is when I realize. I have no clue what to do! Why did I do this?! Why am I here?! What was I thinking?! I should be at home watching Chopped or something. Just then, I see a baby sea lion.
This Baby Sea Lion Was So Cute
They said we’d see sea lions on this tour, I just never thought I’d see my first in a huge ass whale’s mouth. It’s little baby sea lions trigger something. That something that only Oceania Jones has. That something that tells me I’m going to ride this dolphin into the air, and throw my hat into its blowhole, thus forcing it to open its mouth and release us.
I ride over to that baby sea lion, tap it on its little baby sea lion head, then ride to the farthest part of this whales mouth, Evil Kneel style. Shits gonna get real. I rev Frank up (the dolphin) and look over to the boat. This could be the end of my life. I look right into that weird Kate Upton girls eyes and yell, “IF I MAKE IT OUT ALIVE, I’M GOING TO TAKE YOU UP ON THAT MAKEOUT OFFER!” She blows a kiss, I tip my hat, and then hit the switch on this dolphin. We’re going fast! 10 mph, 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph…we’re almost at the blowhole…I realize we’re not going fast enough, I’m going to have to jump into the air to make the distance to the blowhole…the moment comes and I jump and toss my hat in the air like I’m LeBron James.
As I’m falling, I see the hat go perfectly into the blowhole and lodge. IT WORKED. I’m still falling. Still falling. Then I hit the water and fade to black.
It didn’t work…it’s still dark. I can’t see anything. I’m afraid. Then I feel the softest touch on my lips. I open my eyes. It’s Kate Upton trying to give me mouth to mouth. I never want to let a Squints-Peffercorn pass me by, so I start to make out with her. She stands up, looking startled and says, “did you just Sandlot Kate Upton.” UGHGUG! Why does she keep calling herself by her own name! Gross. She smiles. I smile (reluctantly, because she’s weird with the name thing).
The Sandlot Peffercorn Incident
Then I notice, we made it! We’re back on the seas! We made it out of that whale’s mouth!
The Captain thanks me for saving the boats life, the kids praise me for being their hero for the rest of their life and Kate Upton makes out with me. Just as I think things can’t get any better, Frank pulls up alongside the boat wearing my hat. He thanks me telepathically. I take the hat and tip it to him in honor of our future adventures! Another tale of Oceania Jones, saving lives!
Overall, I’d say this is a good Groupon and you should take advantage of it. It can get a little dangerous, but we all need a little danger now and then, right?
It may be a new year, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop asking absurd questions to the absurd world that is Yahoo! Answers! This time I ask “What’s the protocol on how your ears react to someone talking about you?” Just to refresh you on the backstory of why I’ve entered and dark and weird world of Y!A, here you go…
I love Yahoo! Answers. I mean, let’s face it, it’s probably the only good thing that’s come out of the creation of the Internet.
Don’t believe me? Well get this, you ask a question, and then whackjobs answer it! THERE IS NOTHING BETTER! Thus, given my obsession, I finally decided to create an account to get to the bottom of some things that have been itching my brain.
Here’s the link and the copy, feel free to answer away!
What’s the protocol on how your ears react to someone talking about you? Is it that they’re red? Or, warm? Or, ringing? Perhaps it’s red if they’re talking negatively, warm if they’re talking fondly, and ringing if they’re yelling? Wait, no…warm if they’re just like, “meh, he/she is alright at air hockey” but when they’re like, “he/she is AMAZING at air hockey,” that’s when they’re ringing. Sorta like red light, yellow light, green light. The green light is the ringing, and the red light is the red.
