Took a trip to the woods to do some stand-up for the trees.
Nature Stand-Up
July 1
Took a trip to the woods to do some stand-up for the trees.
The Self-Aggrandizing Guide To Ending Correspondence
I’m at it again! Coming up with too many bad ideas for one premise that I can’t figure out. Welp, lucky for you that rather than be a sane person who deletes these awful things, I’m releasing it into the world! Here’s a list of joke ideas I was trying to come up with for the premise: Invasive Surgery vs. Evasive Surgery.
Hey There Internet,
I hope you don’t mind that I lumped you all together like that, but hey, what do you want me to name each four of you reading this?! I don’t have time! C’mon guys, cool it! The Internet is a vast vast place full of weird weird people!
(But honestly, thanks Tim, Lisa, Chill, and Waverider for reading this.)
I don’t want to get too deep on you Internet, but…I’ve noticed that there are a huge majority of people in my life that are having babies! Yep, real life babies! Not dolls, but real baby breathing babies. Exciting huh? And, being the consummate businessman I am, I see a demand, and am willing to supply.
Supply parenting advice that is!
Every day I’m walking and people are like, “Justin, what should I do with my baby?” or “how do I deal with this baby thing?” And honestly, is there anyone better to give parenting advice than a dude who has no baby and has only held two babies in his life? I have no bias, no knowledge, no nothing. I’m a clean slate of advice! It’s like I didn’t even see the trailer for the movie, so I’m going in FRESH! Thusith, here we go!
First topic:
“Morning Sickness”
Man oh man. Ever had this happen? “I got a baby in my stomach, it’s the morning and I’m sick!” Yeah, we’ve all been there. Here’s something I find that helps. Simply imagine you’re on a boat. This is a double negative. The double sickness cancels out everything and you’re not sick anymore! BAM! EAZY PEEZY! (Please note, this goes for guys and gals involved in this pregnancy.)
Hope this helps, I find that it always does, but hey, my body is different than yours!
Stay tuned for more parenting advice!
Sincerely,
Knew Dad, No Dad
Last evening Engelbert Humperdinck decided to take over my Vine. Hypnotized and twisted.
Hypnotized by Engelbert Humperdinck. #Humperdinck vine.co/v/bdalhI0vq00
— justinjjohnson (@justinjjohnson) March 13, 2013
#Tornado #Humperdinck vine.co/v/bdWZMaB2Mjb
— justinjjohnson (@justinjjohnson) March 13, 2013
Come on out to UCB on Monday, January 21st at 5:30 PM! http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/1693
Why call this a demo? I’m not sure, I’m sure not going to be able to keep pace any better, or play any better. Regardless, here’s a cut from what could be a potential X-mas album…we’ll see! Possum in My Christmas Tree!
Comedian Justin J. Johnson discusses why Santa Claus says “ho, ho, ho,” lung disease, notoriety, noises, foul mouths, Frosty the Snowman, addiction, and of course, how dumb electric cigarettes look!