I will be 30 soon. This is a truth. And you know what, I’ll be damned if I don’t become enlightened prior to my 30th B-day!!! So I did what any sane soon to be 30-year-old can do…I decided to do ayahuasca at Ikea.

I assume most people haven’t scaled the Andes mountains, jungles of the amazon, or seen Anaconda (this isn’t related, I just assume most people haven’t seen this film), thus you might not know what ayahuasca is. If you google ayahuasca
you will find this pretty rad site called Ayahuasca-Info.com. On it, they say the following:

“This website is dedicated to a magical potion from the Amazon basin which is known as ayahuasca. The most important active component in ayahuasca as far as its visionary qualities are concerned is a substance called DMT (dimethyltryptamine). DMT has a powerful effect on consciousness that is difficult to describe in words. It’s described by many as “spiritual”, and is characterized by detailed, very bright and colourful visions. Indigenous people say that during their trance, which lasts approximately four hours, they enter the world of the spirits and communicate with them, while psychologists consider DMT to be one of the hallucinogens, or psychedelics: “substances which make the soul visible.”

Pretty legit shit right? And yep, I’m thinking the same thing you are, why aren’t all of us on ayahuasca all of the time?!?!

Where was I? Oh yeah, 30! Sooooo, I grabbed my tickets, one for Ayahuasca, one for Ikea and set on my dreamcation.

It’s 9:40 AM on Thursday, May 31st. I’m sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Ikea. The outside of Ikea is pretty wild. It’s like they designed a location and said, “alright Rick, we’ve got this big ass building and two options with what we can
do in it. Option 1: experiments on humans and the construction of futuristic airplanes. Option 2: sell dope ass furniture.” Rick opted for option 2.

So I sit in my car listening to the dulcid tones of rap rock group, “Death Grips,” waiting for the shaman who said he would meet me so that I could purchase some Ayahuasca from him. Then, just like that, he shows up. He’s wearing a full suit with fedora. Kind of weird. I was assuming he just wore feathers and that’s it. Turns out, the only ayahuasca he has available for purchase is an Aye Aye Aye Ayahuasca Energy Drink. I’d love to do the more pure Ayahuasca experience, but I don’t have time, and this shaman keeps promising it will trip my balls off. Let’s do I say. I give him the cash, he leaves, I down the drink, get out of my car, and start walking towards Ikea.

I think this stuff is hitting me almost immediately, because on the walk to the Ikea I’m able to decipher that based purely on the billboards, I’m pretty sure the movie “What To Expect When Expecting” is almost certainly bullshit. Also, had a
slight freakout at the thought of myself trying to birth a baby.

Teary eyed and confused, I took my first step into being a changed man as I boarded the escalator. An escalator to “figuring everything out” I kept chanting as the Asian family of three in front of me looked over occasionally. Also, I should point out, I’m not totally sure they were Asian, or a family, or people. After stepping into that Ikea there’s a 50/50 chance everything I saw didn’t exist.

First section: living rooms. What better way to find myself than in the comfy confines of an Ikea couch! I sit in the first couch and get a bad “vibe” from it. Not wanting to judge the couch purely on looks, I decide to engage it in conversation. Turns out it’s a skydiver who loves The Cure. I apologize for basing a book on its cover. THEN the book on the oblong shaped coffee table in front of me takes that comment personally. I don’t know what’s happening. I came into this Ikea to get high and figure my shit out, not to argue with a bunch of books and couches. I tell them both to “fuck off organically.” I’m not totally sure what I meant by that, but can only assume I wanted to be nice but also mean, and nothing says nice but mean more than “organic” anything. I get up and start walking briskly past the chatty kathy zebras and lions. The lions are a little too hairy for my liking, and all of their faces resemble Bruce Villanch. Or maybe they’re a bunch of Bruce Villanches and not a bunch of lions? I don’t stick around to find out, that’s for damn sure.

I run through wall units and storage to hide under a sink in the kitchens and dining section. When I say run through, I mean run through. I was a ghost for a minute. I’m pretty sure this is the best place to “get my mind right.” Howie Mandel doesn’t think so. Also, you should note, I don’t think I was dreaming him, I think this may have actually been Howie Mandel. He tells me to “always bid up when stuck in a sink.” “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?” I yell back at him. He disappears into thin air. Once again, not sure if he’s the real Howie Mandel or not, I assume with the career he’s carved out for himself, that he has magical powers.

What does that mean? What does that mean? What does that mean?

I figure it out.

I have to jump into the sink. I get out from underneath it, and jump in. I fall. It seems like forever. Luckily R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” is echoing in this pipe as clips from “Schindler’s List” play on the pipes. “Was Michael Jordan in Schindler’s List?” I whisper to myself. Suddenly I look down and I have Michael Jordon’s legs, but my own body. It must mean something?!

Still falling, I start whispering “Dream Team Yeah” to myself until it becomes louder and louder drowning out the sweet voice of R., then suddenly…BAM! I fall on a bed! I get up, look around…I’m in Bedrooms and Bathrooms, and I’ve time travelled. How do I know? Because all the koalas are speaking with British accents, that’s how. Duh. Lucky for me, I have a spot on British accent, so I ask them how to get back to 1999. They tell me I have to fall in love with a pillow named Rita. These guys are obviously assholes, because I remember Rita and we could never fall in love again. She cheated on me with a rug named Charles. I storm away, feeling like those dipshit koalas are running my high, and not caring about getting back to 2007.

I stop in my tracks. I’m in the children’s section, but all the items are bigger than I am. I start to get worried, fearful that this is a lair for giant children. What would I feed them? They can’t eat normal person food, they’re giants. Oh man. I tip toe everywhere I go, fearful that I might awake one of them. Then I hear a growl and turn…

That presumably “Asian” family from earlier. Had I known. Had I known they were giant children! Their growl stops and I have a giant muffin in my hand. It’s three times my size, how can I possibly hold it!? Who knows! I hand it over to them, they turn into kittens and tell me they’ll follow me until the earth’s ears fall off. Oh shit. This is where I LOSE IT. THE EARTH HAS EARS!??! I can’t. I can’t with this right now! I start running as fast as I can, kittens in toe. I’m running through a cave, into a parking garage, down a river, over a barn door, and into a meadow until I pass out.

I wake up. I’m in my car. What’s happened? I look at my watch. It’s 9:45 AM on Thursday, May 31st.

The morale of the story is, if you’re going to do Ayahuasca, do it in a Sears.