Dear Mary Hatch (or Bailey if you prefer…gross!),

Well, I just think you’re the bee’s knees, and to be honest, you’re with the wrong man! George Bailey is highly unstable, I’m pretty sure he’s an alcoholic, and honestly, he’s just a flat out moody judy! I mean, don’t you want to be with a man who will treat you like a queen? Well, don’t ya?!

For instance, let’s say you want an ice cream. Well, that’s exactly what I’m going to get you. I’m not going to force coconuts on you because I read some periodical. Sure, I’ll share my tastes with you, but by no means and I’m going to just put it on your ice cream without you knowing. And, guess what? After I give you that ice cream, I’m going to sit with you and share some lovely conversation. I’m not going to go running around town yelling at old bank men, carrying pill bottles like some whack job!

And let’s say we just jumped into a pool after a lovely dance? Well I’m going to be a full on gentleman, and treat you like a lady. Respect you, see? And perhaps when the moment is right, I’ll kiss you as only a gentleman would. It’ll be a perfect moment, and we’ll sing Buffalo Gal all night long and not throw rocks through windows of our future houses. And if I accidentally step on your robe and you jump into the hydrangeas? Well, I’ll give you your robe right back. I’m not going to be some weird pervert and keep it from you while I circle the hydrangeas and talk to myself like a whackjob! And if my dad has a stroke…well I’m not going to leave you alone. You could get injured by some hooligan! I’ll walk you home then tend to my dying father.

And Mary Hatch, when you come back from school and my mother says you’re asking about me, well I’m coming straight to your house! I’m not going to gallivant around town with the likes of Violet Bick. GROSS! She’s a loose goose. I’ll come straight over, and when you open the door and the record is playing and I see the lovely painting you’ve done, I’ll stop right there and embrace you and kiss you. And I’ll really kiss you, I won’t just smear my cheek all over yours and smother you like George Bailey would. Gross! What an idiot!

When we get married Mary, well, I’ll tell you this much, if there is a run on the bank, we’ll just run the other way to our honeymoon! Because, I would entrust a bank to professionals that don’t keep monkeys in cages at their home (looking at you Billy!). And if we had to tend to the bank, I would do it in a much more expedited manner, it wouldn’t take all day! And if you volunteered our honeymoon money, I wouldn’t just grab it from you and go to the counter. I’d grab it from you, kiss you, tell you that you mean the world to me, and then go to the counter. All the while I would be checking on you, while helping the people of Bedford Falls, I wouldn’t let you out of my site!

And let’s say that night goes awry and you plan a gorgeous evening in our future, but currently disgusting home. I’m not going to raise my eyebrows like some dope at every step I take. NO! I’m going to go to you, embrace you, and once again NOT kiss you like I’m smothering you with my cheek! I would kiss you, not suffocate you.

And I’ll love each and every one of our kids Mary, because they’re a part of you, and I’ll leave work at work! I won’t slam doors, and I could care less if the stairs fall apart. I’ll help you build that house Mary, I won’t just leave you to do it all.

And let’s say Uncle Billy (the aforementioned LOON who keeps monkeys in cages, and trains squirrels to hug him) loses money for the bank. Well, I’m not going to go haywire, yell at our children’s teacher, and kick over my mock bridge I took hours to build. I’m going to come home to my family and talk it out and get your opinion because you matter to me. If Billy goes to jail, good riddance, need I remind you he TRAINED A SQUIRREL TO HUG HIM?!

And let’s say I’m visited by my guardian angel. Well, I’ll believe him and not treat him like garbage! And when he says I’m in an alternate reality that I requested, I’ll once again believe him and “go with it,” all the while trying to help him get his wings. Because I’m that type of guy…the type of guy who gets guardian angels their wings. But you know what? I would never be in that situation, because I wouldn’t ask for an alternate reality, I would love you too much.

I think what I’m trying to say is, George Bailey is a big fat loose cannon jerk. You deserve better Mary! You’re too supportive and beautiful and you look too cute in those weird little hats. So ditch the loon, and be mine. I think I saw a house in the valley you would love. No windows or doors, and half burned down. We can do this. I love you.

Sincerely,

Justin J. Johnson

PS: Can we agree that George’s brother is a selfish jerk?
PPS: Why does Sam keep doing that He-Haw crap? Grow up, am I right? If you wanna be a donkey, go hang out at Uncle Billy’s! He’s got a weird farm you would fit in perfectly at.
PPPS: I love you.