
The Hieroglyphic Interior Designer Caveperson

Too many raisins.
Over the past few years, I have gotten VERY into professional wrestling. And why wouldn’t I?! It’s the best. And I’ve gotten so into it, and such a talented storyteller who truly understands the characters on TV, that I can, and will, accurately predict the outcome of Wrestlemania 41!
Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez vs. Bayley & Lyra Valkyria – WWE Women’s Tag Team Title Match
WINNER: Lyra’s blue hair.
If you’ve been watching wrestling lately, you’d be hard pressed to say anyone has been having better matches in the WWE than these four. Truly, look at Bayley v. Lyra, look at the recent Bayley v. Liv, or any Liv match really. They’re having better matches than everyone on the card. But the winner. Lyra’s hair color. It’s just a nice shade of blue and dare we even say it sorta looks natural. We love it. Also, Liv and Raquel win, and Bayley becomes a heel, duh.
World Tag Team Champions The War Raiders vs. The New Day
WINNER: Handstands into the ropes.
This has a name, and I can’t remember it right now, but you know The War Raiders are gonna do one, and I betcha The New Day might also do one. CONSOLATION PRIZE apocalyptic entrances! This is a true Max Max match of entrances, and the future is WAR (or unicorns…unicWARns! The future is UnisWARns!).
Damian Priest vs. Drew McIntyre – Sin City Street Fight
WINNER: Jessica Alba
Did you forget the film Sin City?!? Jessica Alba rules! You probably only know her from the Honest brand, but I’ll tell ya this, you should check out Sin City! Also, if you think this match isn’t connected to the film, dare I remind you of Drew McIntyre’s eye patch! Basically pulled from the film. This could definitely be a match that steals the show. Especially if one of them gets thrown into a slot machine and pinned as it hits a jackpot.
Jade Cargill vs. Naomi
WINNER: Cocaine.
How are we supposed to be in Las Vegas and watch Jade’s entrance, and not imagine it’s just a bunch of degenerate gambler’s coke? Also, similar to Priest and McIntyre…also…just realized, Jade was thrown into a car by Naomi and broke the windshield! Guessing the WWE saw the economy’s uncertainty and HEAVILY invested in windshields only to realize…nobody needs them, and now they’re breaking them all over the place! In any case, on theme, hoping this one ends with Naomi getting thrown into a windshield of a bachelorette party bus. Bonus points if she’s wearing her caution tape outfit and one of the bachelorettes drunkenly looks over and says, “oh I think this car is closed” or something like that.
Rey Mysterio vs. El Grande Americano
WINNER: Public health safety…because of the maskssssss.
Get it?! Also, WWE, where is the coffee cup merch? You think the world doesn’t want a coffee cup that says El Grande Americano with fringe all over it?! POST IT UP! This should be another great match, and looking forward to Rey Mysterio’s new finisher, “Thanks a Latte.”
United States Champion LA Knight vs. Jacob Fatu
WINNER: the new catchphrase, YEAHdadamean?!
Fatu pins Knight, stands over his pinned corpse and let’s it rip! CUE WWE MERCH…I guess I’m just printing money for you guys at this point!
Intercontinental Champion Bron Breakker vs. Penta vs. Finn Bálor vs. Dominik Mysterio
WINNER: Spit.
Doesn’t it feel like everyone in this match, with the exception of Penta, has too much saliva? Bron Breakker flexing while foam comes out of his mouth. Finn Balor, doing his gun fingers while trying to make the noise and spit coming out. Dominik Mysterio chewing gum unnecessarily. Sorry clean up crew, the mat is basically a baseball field after this one.
AJ Styles vs. Logan Paul
WINNER: Kicks.
There’s gonna be so many kicks in the match, you’re gonna think you’re at a rockettes concert. Another sure fire show stealer sponsored by Nissan…Kicks!
WWE Women’s Champion Tiffany Stratton vs. Charlotte Flair
WINNER: Where to start…this feud being over?
Awkward mic segments? Missed backflips? It’s a true, never meet your heroes, oil and water don’t mix, be careful what you wish for situation. Maybe that’s the winner. Idioms? Sayings? Whatever you call all the things I just said, that wins!
World Heavyweight Champion Gunther vs. Jey Uso
WINNER: Yeet.
This one’s gonna have a YEET, and there will be YEET, followed by YEET, with some additional YEET. Hoping at the very least, Gunther gets in some chops whilst saying…you guessed it, YEET.
Women’s World Champion IYO SKY vs. Bianca Belair vs. Rhea Ripley
WINNER: Those IYO SKY screams and head bobbles.
And honestly, WWE, ya can’t upload these to the store, but we should all do them all the time. Boss asks you do work on a project? CUE: IYO SKY scream and head bobble. Chipotle says guac is extra? IYO SKY scream and head bobble. Starbucks says your name when your order is ready. IYO SKY scream and head bobble. Look…maybe it doesn’t work in every scenario, but MOST!
Roman Reigns vs. CM Punk vs. Seth Rollins – Triple Threat Match
WINNER: Paul Heyman.
He’s been in the middle of this all, bullied by all, but about half way through the match, he disappears. Then, walking down the aisle, what do you see? Paul Heyman, dressed in a yellow jumpsuit, Kill Bill style. He decimates everyone, grabs the mic, says, “thank you Tribal Chief,” grabs a jet pack and flies out of the stadium. Orrrr…Seth probably wins.
Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes vs. John Cena
WINNER: Ricky Stanicky with a Spinner Belt! Say that five times fast! Much has been made of Cena’s heel turn, but NOBODY is expecting Stanicky to turn heel. The last time is now…for Stanicky. He helps Cena win only to challenge him for the belt at Backlash. The story writes itself.
WHAT.
A.
WRESTLEMANIA!
Hey WordPress Website Viewers! What a very specific name you have. I realized I don’t publish content on here all that often. I used to, when I was young and wordpress was still a thing. Now there are so many websites and social media profiles, that I, like most people have legit lost my mind and tuned out of everything. Well, lucky for you WordPress Website Viewer, I’m getting back to my roots in a commitment, I’m titling:
My promise, horrible jokes, stupid articles, I might even review yogurt. I don’t know. I think a lot about yogurt. I try a lot of yogurt. Why not tell everyone my thoughts on yogurt! Oh, because that’s cringe? Well guess what, it’s Hot Cringe Summer and the driving gloves are off (I’m wearing driving gloves because it’s cringe). So strap in and get ready, because there will be an onslaught of cringe. I might even post a selfie on here of me at Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville wearing a beer helmet full of kombucha.
Also, here is a roDENT (when a mouse drives it’s car into you causing a dent).
I asked a robot to write the below. Turns out, they’re very enthusiastic. But really, all you need is in the poster, amIwrite? Also, robots promise a lot! I can only promise three things the robot mentions in this promo material…and I ain’t telling ya which three. In any case, come on out this weekend.
Get ready for an unforgettable night of laughter and spontaneity! Rigor Tortoise, North Hollywood’s premier improv comedy group, is back with a special live performance you won’t want to miss.
Event Details:
When: Saturday, January 25th at 8 PM
Where: The Brickhouse Theatre, North Hollywood
Tickets: Just $15, including food, snacks, and an incredible night of entertainment
This weekend’s show will feature a hilarious set from Rigor Tortoise and a special performance by the talented KMAD, our featured act. Adding to the excitement, Greg Castle, one of Rigor Tortoise’s original members, is making a triumphant return to the stage for this event.
Whether you’re a longtime fan or a first-timer, this show promises to be a night of laughter, creativity, and surprises. Plus, your ticket includes delicious food and snacks, making it an unbeatable value.
Why You Should Join Us:
Unpredictable Fun: Improv comedy is all about creating magic in the moment, and our performers are ready to deliver.
Reunion Performance: Don’t miss Greg Castle’s return to the group!
Great Atmosphere: The Brickhouse Theatre is the perfect venue for an intimate and laughter-filled evening.
All-Inclusive Tickets: Enjoy comedy, food, and snacks for just $15.
Grab your friends, mark your calendars, and join us for an amazing night of comedy at The Brickhouse Theatre. Seats are limited, so be sure to secure your tickets now!
How to Get Tickets:
Tickets are available at the door. Don’t wait—this show is expected to sell out quickly!
We can’t wait to see you there!
Santa’s got a long night ahead of himself come this Christmas Eve, and you know what gets him through…something short and sweet, I’m talking about ESPRESSO! You know the big man is not slim pickins! May sound like nonsense, but Sabrina Carpenter, Espresso, and, well, espresso all make the NICE LIST!
well…it’s the season to be honest…those drones? yeah, dat is ya boi! i’ve had em all ova da place…scouring the world for this puppy…turns out Santa upped his security, but he can’t outwit this Danny Ocean…found it Big Guy! Per the usuhe (is that right? you get it, I’m saying “usual,” but being cool about it…anyway, I’ll be revealing this years “Naughty and Nice List!”
We’ve all been there. You’re out there flossing all the freakin time even though you hate it, and you’ve done a great job, feel good, only to have the dental hygienist ask if you floss.
Look, do I think AI and ChatGPT is horrible for the business of creatives, and just in general? Yes! Should I be saying this out loud for fear that robots will murder me? NO I SHOULD NOT! But…I am not good at promoting, and you know who is? My ol friend ChattyGPTizzle. Here’s what I asked, and here’s what I got. You know this post is gonna go so viral and our show is gonna be bigger than Babs at The Hollywood Bowl!
What I asked, and probably would have used because I’m just a dumb human:
Create an image post that I can use on Instagram to announce a live show Rigor Tortoise is having this Friday at The Brickhouse Theater in North Hollywood. The show is at 8PM and it is the return of Greg Castle! Greg was abducted many years ago, and we’re so happy he escaped his captors, and the very first thing he wanted to do was an improv show. The show is $15, and includes food and drink from King’s Hawaiian. King’s Hawaiian was a staple of my youth as a very fat kid. I’d eat the whole tray, and guess what, I wouldn’t put it in the oven, I’d raw dog it. Oh, and make this like a teaser, you know? Cuz we still got a week, so I gotta post over and over again. Also, I don’t think there is a link. But, people can figure it out, right? It might be at the door? Okay, make this Instagram post! Also, it’s gotta go viral baby!
What I freakin got!
🎉 IT’S ALIVE! 🎉
Get ready for an EPIC night of laughs and surprises! Rigor Tortoise is BACK with an incredible live show this Friday at The Brickhouse Theater in North Hollywood!
🗓️ Date: This Friday
🕗 Time: 8 PM
📍 Location: The Brickhouse Theater, North Hollywood
💥 THE RETURN OF GREG CASTLE 💥
Yes, you read that right! Greg Castle is BACK! After being abducted years ago, he miraculously escaped his captors. And what’s the first thing he wanted to do? An IMPROV SHOW with YOU! 🙌
🎟️ Admission: $15
Includes delicious food and drink from King’s Hawaiian! 🍍
King’s Hawaiian was a staple of my youth. I used to devour the entire tray raw – no oven needed! 😋
This is just a teaser, folks! Stay tuned for more updates as we count down to the big day. Spread the word, grab your friends, and let’s make this night unforgettable!
No link needed – you know where to find us!
🔥 #RigorTortoise #GregCastleReturns #LiveShow #ImprovComedy #KingsHawaiian #ComedyNight #NorthHollywoodEvents #ItsAlive
C’mon guys, leave these birds and their sensitive tummy’s alone! This is by far the most accurate impressonation I’ve ever done, a gluten-intolerant bird. The raw emotion I’m able to capture, it’s a true wonder I haven’t been cast in every season of Grey’s Anatomy.
Also, should you choose, why not follow along on TikTok?
https://www.tiktok.com/@thejustinjohnsonshow