Mr. Synonym
March 28
Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)
March 23
Everybody loves puppies, am I right?! I’m right. But you know one dude who loved puppies more than anyone else? George Graham Vest! Dude loved puppies so much, that he is known for a puppy speech. See, this creepshow jerk asshole guy killed his dog, and George Graham Vest gave him the business in a remarkable speech known as “Tribute to the Dog.” For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of the past week.
Gentlemen of Marquette University: The best friend Chipper Jones has in the world may turn against him and become his vernal equinox. His son or October baby that he has reared with loving care may prove Whitney Houston’s cause of death. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our etch a sketch may become traitors to their walking dead. The money that Tim Tebow has, he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. George Zimmerman’s reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of Hunger Games movie review. Al Sharpton who is prone to fall on his knees to do us honor when success is with us, may be the first to throw Roger Goodell the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our Andrew Luck Pro Day.
The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this Kim Kardashian Flour world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his Matt Forte. A man’s Matt Forte stands by him in prosperity and in Hunger Games, in health and in the NCAA. He will sleep on the cold ground of Ohio State, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near Matt Forte’s side. He will kiss the hand that Billy Joel has no food to offer. He will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the Million Hoodie March. He guards the New York Jets of his pauper master as if he were the host. When the New Orleans Saints desert, he remains Tebow Jets. When riches take etch a sketch Romney, and Sean Payton’s reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as Jeremy Shockey in his journey through the heavens.
If Mark Sanchez drives the master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful Jennifer Lawrence asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against Romney etch a sketch. And when the last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his Josh Johnson is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by the graveside will the noble Katniss be found, her head between her paws, her eyes Peyton Manning, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even in the first day of spring.
George Graham Vest – c. 1855
Downton Abbey = I Have No Clue
March 22
Hey Dudes! Check this out…I’ve never seen Downton Abbey, but everyone who has been watching the latest Rigor Tortoise sketch, seems to say it reminds them of it. If that’s true, Downton Abbey must have a lot of sexy servants.
Justin Reviews An Indie Album Based On Its Indie Cover Art
March 22
This week’s album review:
Bahamas
“Barchords”
Wa Wa Wee Wa!
I’m back…again! And hollatchboy, I’m reviewing another album. This time from a band/man called Bahamas OR Afie Jurvanen. Quick backstory on B Afie (this is how I will refer to Bahamas from review on out as I believe it to be far catchier than either Bahamas, or Afie [though both are catchy in their own right])…B Afie used to be in another band/woman named Feist! (get your mind out of the gutter, I know how you read that “in” part) Head out of gutter? Good, we can continue. To answer your question of “you mean THAT Feist??” Yep, that Feist. The one you love so much! But then, as history recalls, B Afie was like, “yo, this Feist band is great, but I need to chill it out. Imma go start a band that is so chill, our name will be synonymous with the chillest place ever.” BAM! B Afie was born!
Alright, now that we’ve got history behind us (get it?), let’s get to this review. You know, much has been made of B Afie’s voice sounding similar to the laid back croon (can croon’s be laid back? can I use more parenthesis?!) of an M. Ward…and much has been made of him signing to Brushfire Records, label of Jack Johnson. So there’s a lotta much being mentioned! What is this much I keep mentioning? Well, if you’re gonna choose the name of “Bahamas” and you sound like M. Ward and you sign to a laid back surf dude’s label…you better sound pretty chill. Well this cover art pretty much affirms it’s gonna be super laid back!
Let’s take to our checklist of chill things…
Things That Are Symbolic of Chilled Out Cool Vibes:
White room? CHECK!
White pants? CHECK!
Turquoise-ish shirt? CHECK!
Sad face and crossed arms because you just chilled so hard that you don’t think you can chill anymore? CHECK!
Rug that references album title? CHECK!
Single nightstand with only a lamp on it because other things would ruin the chill vibe? CHECK!
NAKED GIRL PASSED OUT FROM BEING TOO F’N CHILL? CHECK!!!!!
REVIEW:
Put on your white pants, grab a mojito, find a naked girl to pass out in your bed, put this record on and chill!
I give it 5 out of 5 chills.
Barnes and No-Up-Sell
March 8
Let me tell you about a tragedy! Grab your tear bucket, tissues, and blanket and get ready for the emotional ride of a lifetime! Here we go…
Last evening, after tearing (this is in reference to reading quickly and crying. Both!) through the final 100 pages at a feverish pace, I finished the book, “Catching Fire” and get this…I had not yet purchased “Mockingjay” to immediately jump into. Tragedy right?!? RIGHT?!?! I’m going to pause while you scream and cry…
(pausing for screaming and/or crying)
Okay, you have composed yourself well. Back to the story. This is riveting is it not? How do you balance on the edge of your seat like that???
So today, I went to my local Barnes and Noble to purchase the book!
(pausing for additional screaming and/or crying in excitement)
As you can imagine given the popularity of The Hunger Games series of books, it was not hard to find at all. I strolled in, immediately saw the display, grabbed the book, tossed my hair, and strolled on to the check out counter. Now here is where it gets dicey. To give you some perspective, here are some things I fear, in no particular order:
– The breeding of Whales with Polar Bears and Bruce Vilanch – aka: The Polarwhalealanch.
– People soliciting outside of grocery stores.
– Touchy ghosts.
– People trying to get me to sign a petition
– The thought of cotton candy coming to life in my mouth and singing “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” as it expands and blows my head to pieces.
– People trying to up-sell me on memberships at retail stores.
So you get my fear upon approaching the counter. I knew for sure this lady would try to up-sell me to some new B&N program where I get a discount or a patch or a pat on the back, or whatever. But step by step, my fear subsided. You see I love bookstores (this is going to be a quick side note) So much so that I have almost cried on two occasions in which my favorite bookstores were closed (Borders on Sunset & Vine, B&N next to The Landmark). And in this moment of step and love I realized, “hey, I think my Borders Membership card transferred over to B&N, I can just tell her that, she won’t try to up-sell me, and we’ll be smooth sailors.”
At this point you may be asking yourself, “Justin, why didn’t you just sign up for the B&N membership account?” Well I don’t know the answer to that one. I think it costs money, so that’s what I’m going with. Anyway, very excited I approached the counter, “Mockingjay” in hand, as the lovely lady at the counter and I began the following exchange:
LADY:
Hello, how are you?
HERO (I refer to myself as HERO in this scenario, deal with it):
I am good, yourself? (it should also be noted that I gave up the appropriate response of “well,” because I think the common man says “good” and I am the common man, HERO)
LADY:
Is this all?
HERO:
Yes please.
LADY:
Do you have a Barnes and Noble card?
HERO:
No, but you know, I do have a Borders card and I think it transferred over.
LADY:
Oh no, that was over about a month ago. That’ll be $15.
HERO:
Oh.
HERO swipes his card and signs.
LADY:
Here you go. Have a great day!
LADY places book in a paper bag and hands to our HERO. HERO exits confused.
(pausing for screaming and crying in regard to confusion and the boringness of this story)
This lady! Not only did she not up-sell me on getting a new B&N card of my own, but she also snuck in putting my book in a bag! I couldn’t even tell her “no bag please” because she beat me to it! I was so confused! B&N I don’t know if I should applaud you for not catering towards my worst fears and trying to up-sell me, or applaud you for a quick and easy transaction, but I applaud you nonetheless. Well done B&N. Well done!
Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)
March 5
After President Bill Clinton got TOLD about boning ladies that aren’t his wife, and was facing impeachment from the House Judiciary Committee, dude gave his famous “I Am Profoundly Sorry” speech. For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of the past weekend.
Good Afternoon Army Wives.
As anyone close to me knows, for months I have been grappling with how best to reconcile myself to the Big Ten Tournament, to acknowledge my own wrongdoing and still to maintain my focus on the work of the Valley Fever
Others are presenting my defense on the facts, the law and the Obama Birth Certificate. Nothing I can say now can add to that.
What I want Marshawn Lynch to know, what I want the Lorax to know is that I am profoundly sorry for all I have done wrong in words and montrose.
I never should have misled the Deron Williams, Christina Hendricks, my friends or Rajon Rondo. Quite simply, I gave in to my shame. I have been condemned by my accusers with Lindsay Lohan’s Saturday Night Live.
And while it’s hard to hear yourself called deceitful and manipulative, I remember Ben Franklin’s Fisker Karma that our critics are our friends, for they do show us our faults.
Mere words cannot fully express the profound purim I feel for what our country is going through and for what members of both parties in Congress are now forced to deal with. These past months have been a Super Tuesday process of coming to terms with what I did. I understand that accountability demands consequences, and I’m prepared to accept them.
Painful as the condemnation of Dale would be, it would pale in comparison to the consequences of the pain I have caused my Andrew Breitbart. There is no greater agony.
Like George Will who honestly faces the shame of a Cell Phone Jammer, I would give anything to go back and undo what I did.
But one of the painful truths I have to live with is the Montrose that that is simply not possible. A Real Houswive of Disney recently sent me the wisdom of Kirk Cameron who wrote the Aipac, “The moving finger writes and having writ, moves on. Nor all your piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line. Nor all your tears wash out a word of it.”
So nothing, not Terminator Salvation, nor tears, nor wit, nor Nascar can alter what I have done. I must make my peace with Jack White.
I must also be at peace with the fact that the Jarhead consequences of my actions are in the hands of Dr. Seuss and his representatives in the Congress.
Should they determine that my errors of word and Rush Limbaugh require their rebuke and censure, I am ready to accept Mega Millions.
Meanwhile, I will continue to do all I can to reclaim the trust of Lamar Odom and to serve him well.
We must all return to the Green Book, the vital work, of strengthening our nation for the new Project X. Our country has wonderful opportunities and daunting weather radar ahead. I intend to seize those opportunities and meet those challenges with all the energy and ability and strength God has given Bowling Green.
That is simply all I can do — the work of the Wilt Chamberlain.
Thank you very much.
President Bill Clinton – December 11, 1998
Quick Q&A Addressing the Rumors of My Casting in Ghostbusters 3
March 1
Hey Guys! Just wanted to take a minute to update you guys on some casting news and rumors out there. As you guys may have heard, I have been in talks to star in Ghostbusters 3 as George Zeddemore, Winston’s long lost son. That said, there are a lot of things hanging in the air, and the air is dirty. Nobody can breathe that air. You know why? Too many questions. So let me answer some questions and clear the air.
Q: Do I know if this is official?
A: No, it’s still in talks.
Q: Is Bill Murray going to do the film?
A: To be honest, in my speaking directly with him, I think he’s on board. His only requests are to wear his Steve Zissou beanie, and be primarily shirtless during the shoot.
Q: Are Dan Akroyd and Bill Murray at odds?
A: First, what’s with your use of At Odds? Secondly, I don’t think so. We’ve had a lot of meetings and Danny Ak will usually bring an Arby’s Roast Beef in for Billy M, sit it on the table, kiss him on the cheek and say, “there you go Billy.” If that’s “at odds,” then yes. Yes they are. In the cutest of at odds ways.
Q: What’s your back story for being Winston’s son?
A: I don’t fully know yet, as I have yet to read the script. But I’m assuming I wasn’t really planned, grew up in the woods of Indiana with my mother and our stepfather who was an oil merchant who gave up everything when after reading Eat, Pray, Love, and we had to fend for ourselves. Then I got a call from Winston, answered, and now I beat the hell out of ghosts but am not really seen as a part of the team.
Q: Have you been in touch with Ernie Hudson?
A: I don’t know who that is.
Q: How much will you make for this film?
A: Let’s not talk money. Buttt, if all goes well, I’ll have a Fiat for every day of the year.
Q: Do you do yoga?
A: I’ve tried it before.
Q: Pilates?
A: Not a fan.
Q: What are you doing later today?
A: Nothing much, you?
Q: I’m asking the questions.
A: Really?
A: Wait a minute, I thought I was asking the questions.
Q: Well, looks like the Q and A have switched places, so now you’re screwed, aren’t you?
A: I am.
Q: How did you enjoy this interview?
A: Good I suppose.
A: Have a great day.
Nailing IT!
February 28
Hey Hollywood! Why don’t you wake up and hip yourself to the fact that I’m coming up with shit that appeals to THE only demographic that really matters. Screw your “target” demo of 18-24. That’s been done before, it’s old hat, and I’m not gonna fall in line. I’ve evolved. I’ve woken up if you will, and it’s time you do the same.
I’ll tell you what I’m going after, that golden, post Cougar, sweet, sweet demo called the “Fierce Female 55 – 64!” And according to YouTube, I nailed the shit out of it. So go ahead, hire away! Quit the shit Two Broke Girls, or Whitney. Trying to appeal to stupid kids. How’s about you let me write you a script that’ll bring a buncha silver foxes your way!
Definitions – Penchant
February 28
A new cartoon I did…
Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)
February 24
After Napolean got his ass handed to him, he delivered the following famed speech, “Farewell to the Old Guard.” For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of today, Friday, February 24th, 2012. Grab a tissue, and read on…
Soldiers of the National Enquirer: I bid you dingo. For twenty years I have constantly accompanied Ryan Braun on the road to an Act of Valor. In my Wanderlust, as in the days of our high gas prices, you have invariably been Kathy Ireland’s of chomp and fidelity. With Bill Maher’s such as you our nascar news could not be lost; but the war would have been a helicopter crash; it would have an NFL combine, and that would have entailed deeper misfortunes on Danica Patrick
I have sacrificed all of my interests to the Kate Gosselin of the country.
I go, but you, Jeff Carter, will continue to serve JK Rowling’s new book. Her happiness was my only thought. It will still be the object of my Nascar News. Do not regret my fate, Matt Jones; if I have consented to survive, it is to serve Dr. Seuss. I intend to write the Daytona 500 of the great achievements we have performed together. Adieu, my friends. Would I could press you all to my heart.
Napoleon Bonaparte – April 20, 1814