Urged upon the accidental discovery of a Big 5 coupon, my father has purchased a metal detector and named it “Lucky.” He has informed me that “like Jack Sparrow, he’s gonna find gollllllld.” Try as I might, I will never be funnier than him.
The latest cartoon I did.
Listen, I don’t know how the Internet works. And guess what? I’m not about to find out. Ask me if I want to know how a magician saws people in half. Go ahead, ask. Ask away. Seriously, this is getting weird, just ask.
OF COURSE I DON’T WANNA KNOW HOW A MAGICIAN SAWS PEOPLE IN HALF!
It’s magic, and as far as I’m concerned, so is the Internet.
However, I do know that when I post stuff, sometimes there is a box that I know nothing about that includes search terms. I guess this is what people are searching for? Regardless, it is a hard and fast note to myself to make sure I’m producing more stuff that involves fart noises and Deadmau5 fart noises grammys. Wait…I guess I should just include that a bunch right? Isn’t that how the Internet works, you have terms and people search them and find things? Wait a minute! You tricked me! Don’t try to tell me how the Internet works, I already told you I don’t want to know! JERKS!
Oh, and one final thing: fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises, Deadmau5 fart noise grammys, fart noises.
Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.
And, I love them.
And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.
That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $27 Sampler of Five Mini Bottles of Olive Oils and Vinegars ($54 Value!)
When it comes to Olive Oils and Vinegars, I’m a wildman. I’ll throw that shit all over the place. What am I cooking, some vegetables? Throw some OO and V on a pan, throw those veggies in, and PARTY! Oh, some salmon? OO and V, throw the Salmon corpse down on the pan, and PARTY! Cheerios? OO and V, Cheerios, pan, PARTY! Doesn’t matter. OO and V = PARTY!!!!!!!!!
So, when Groupon promised that “in a nutshell” an online company would deliver fresh & certified California extra-virgin olive oils & vinegars to my doorsteps, I jumped! I’d be a fool not to! And trust me, I ain’tint no fool! So, I clicked buy and awaited my package on my doorstep. It should be noted that there is not step to my door. It’s just a door. I hoped this wouldn’t be a problem.
As I sat in silence for three days on a sole chair pointed directly towards the window (so I could see when the mailman arrived), I began to tire. Both physically and spiritually. Also, metaphorically. I think. That is until towards the end of day three when I saw my mailman walking by and I jumped up! (sidenote: there is a lot of jumping when it comes to purchasing OO and V. If you’re going to make this purchase, be prepared for your calves to get RIPPED!)
Anxiously opening the door, I was greeted with Rogers smile as he held his right hand out to shake mine, left hand holding my precious package.
It should be mentioned that Roger is my mailman, has been since I’ve resided in my lovely apartment building. What a treat to the world this guy is. Always smiling and though he’s 63 years old, and of age to retire, he doesn’t want to. Loves the job too much! Been doing it for 25 years now.
Prior to that he spent his previous 20 work years saving people randomly. Yeah, he was basically a superhero, just wandered around saving people’s lives. Was always in the right place at the right time. Someone choking on a bone, Roger was there to give the Heimlich. Someone held at gun point, Roger was there to talk the villain down. Someone about to get their head hit by that part of the sail boat the swirls around when you change course? Roger was there to pull the person down. Last it was counted, he saved half the current population’s lives…and he was my mailman. What. A. Lucky. Guy. I. Am.
So this worldly treasure shakes my hand, and with his other arm he goes to hand me the package, but promptly shakes a bit and falls to his knees. It dawns on me, Roger is having some sort of medical problem, I jump up in the air, put my hands on my head and yell, “NO!” Roger falls completely down to the ground, my package still in his arms.
I go down to the ground and ask him, “Roger, what’s happening, how can I help you?!!”
Roger replies in a trembling voice, “I knew this would happen one day. There was one person I wasn’t able to save in my life. She was a gypsy in Tallahassee. She was 104-years-old and allergic to peanut butter. Someone gave her a peanut butter sandwich on accident, and in her old age she ate it thinking it was a grilled cheese. I was two park benches down from her when I heard her daughter scream. When I arrived…it was too late.”
“Roger, that’s not your fault; she’s a dummy for eating that sandwich. I mean, she had 104 years to figure out she was allergic to that sandwich, she shouldn’t have eaten it. Don’t get down buddy,” I retort.
“No, it was my fault,” Roger says, holding back tears. “Right after she breathed her last breath, her daughter turned to me and said “you! You should have saved her life! I will curse you. One day you will drop to the ground and the only thing that will help you is if you ingest olive oil immediately.””
“Roger. You’re gonna be okay!!! That’s what’s in the box!” I scream, jumping up again.
“Not that easy kiddo,” Roger says, full on crying now. “It’s gotta be a combination of meyer-lemon with fresh-basil.”
“AHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s exactly what’s in there!!” I scream, jumping again, putting my hands back on my head.
He opens the box, pulls out those delicious bottles and downs them like a watermelon flavored Gatorade!. Standing up, he wipes the tears from his eyes and leftover oil from his mouth, hugs me and says, “I saved a million lives, but you are the only one who has saved mine. You’re the real worldly treasure Justin.”
We embrace softly and he goes about delivering the rest of his mail.
Thank you Oliovera Olive Oil and Vinegars. You helped me save the World’s Greatest Treasure, Roger my mailman. Go out and buy this Groupon people, it’s worth it. Just ask Roger.
Upon the start of this morning, which by all accounts was the best morning start ever (given I’m really good at starting mornings AND everything in general), I decided to indulge in a Coconut Water. Why you ask? Why not I retort! I mean, I like hydration. I like coconuts. I like water. Thus I like coconut water. This case is sealed shut, there’s no arguing it. I’m a coconut water liker.
Sooo, I did as a lot of Coconut Water likers do…I went into a store and purchased one. The “one” I decided to purchase was a VitaCoco with Tropical Fruit. Now, before I continue, I’d like to establish that I am a coconut water purist. In other words, I rarely purchase a coconut water that has weird flavoring. I like just coconuts. But sadly the only pure coconut water’s they had available also had pulp in them. Not a pulp fan. Not. At. All. Pulp is gross. Next time you think you like pulp, think of the fact that you’re drinking a liquid, and some gross boogery solids slip down your throat. You disgust me.
ANYWAY you gross heathen. As I was about to take a sip of my tropical coconut dream, I noticed what might be THE WEAKEST CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT I have ever seen. Allow me to present Exhibit lAme:
If you’re wondering what I’m talking about. It’s the top part of the bottle that casually says, “hydrate naturally with Rihanna.” Just a casual mention of Rihanna and how I should drink this with her?!?!? Are you kidding me?!?! Beyond the hilarious fact that this is just randomly thrown on the bottle with no picture, or anything that identifies Rihanna (we’re just assuming that Rihanna is popular enough for everyone to know her), my favorite fact is that the “hydrate naturally with” is in typical fun VitaCoco font, and then the “Rihanna” is in a poor man’s Monotype Corsiva of some sort (I’m not a fontspert, so don’t start fact checking this). That font is the go to that embroiderers use when you purchase embroidery work at an Indoor Swap Meet. You know that hat you wanted that says Numba One Gangsta? Look at the font. It’s this.
Come on VitaCoco! Can’t you add a Rihanna pic? Maybe make it a Rihanna bottle? A special RihannaCoco. Maybe even a bottle that has some weird ass haircut and makes mediocre songs, but also is fairly hot? Nope. You decided to capitalize on the fact that you are endorsed by “mega super star” Rihanna by barely adding her name to the bottle. WEAK!
Also, as if this bottle wasn’t stupid enough. Please see the pic below where it says, “CHILL IT, DON’T SPILL IT.” WHO MADE THIS BOTTLE?!!? Chill it, don’t spill it?!? This isn’t an 80’s t-shirt design you dumbnuts. A) Has anyone ever said that? B) I’m not entirely sure it makes sense. Like, those are my options?! I can either chill this bottle, or spill it. They have NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER YOU DUMMIES! UGHGUGH!
VitaCoco, I’m not angry, but I am disappointed. It’s your move. Make your bottles less stupid, or I’m leaving you. Trust me, I can find another fruit that isn’t supposed to produce a water beverage, and I can enjoy it!
I think the focus needs to move away from Lana Del Rey and onto the guy who is saying a variation of “ohhhhhh” in every single beat of every single song. This guy is the most legit “ohhhhhh” screamer I’ve ever heard and he gets five stars.
Lana Del Rey – 3.5 stars out of 5 (it should be noted that I’m giving a whole .5 points to this album based solely on the fact that she has a song titled “Diet Mountain Dew”)
Ohh Screamer – 5 out of Ohhhhhh Stars