Allow me to lead you on an expertly led guided meditation through Season 4 of Stranger Things.
A Strange Meditation
July 18
Revelator Time – Watch It Babies
September 21
Listen, live your life however you see fit, but my advice is live it FULLY. And if you’re living it fully, you’re probably taking advantage of every opportunity and you’re probably watching movies. Lot of probably’s here.
My suggestion? Watch this one. Got to spend a solid day in the most terrifying building I’ve ever been in working on it. Bones chilled. Boners? Chilled (in a cool way, get it?)
You need links? GOT EM!
Free Scenes for Actors, Writers, and Performers!
May 4
Hello Actors, Writers, Performers! Let’s face it, finding good, rich, unique scenes is hard. Lucky for you, I love giving stuff away! I’m like Ellen without the ability to dance, or the riches. Or, pretty much anything else. My lack of Ellen-ness aside, here is a free scene I wrote. Use it as you like.
The Not So Sweet Potato
February 3
Hipster X-mas Miracles – The Weeknd, Vampire Weekend, The Weakerthans
December 16
Hipster Christmas Miracles – The Men, Menomena, Mana!
December 13
Tis the season, for Hipster Christmas Miracles!
Gasp Aloud Out Loud!
February 12
Comedian Justin J. Johnson makes gross noises, sinus problems, new iPhones, breaking it to you, breaking it down, being below average, sneezing, and lovely attire.
I’m Not Dead!
January 30
Hey There Fair Reader!
I know what you’re thinking, “Justin you bring your website to life, live at UCB, then never update it?”
That’s not true! Quit thinking that!
Who do you think I am, Crazy Heart?! What do you think, I go to malls, get drinks, and then leave websites!? I don’t and I won’t. BUT, I am working on some exciting projects that have taken up the majority of my time. In my absence, I will leave you with one of my favorite things I’ve seen in a fortnight, and or, in a fort, or at night. Disney’s “Paperman.” It’s honestly the best thing ever. Please watch. And if you’ll excuse me, I must go to a mall and get a drink. See ya website! (I’ll update soon!)
Subaru For Struggling Comedians – Justin J. Johnson
September 20
Hello Fair Reader! I was recently informed by an elder…and when you get informed by elders, you listen…that if you want something in life, just ask for it. Well then, I’m going to do just that. I’ve recently taken on the challenge of convincing Subaru that they should provide me with a Subaru! Why? Why wouldn’t they??! Not only do they get another Subaru off their hands, but they get one in the hands of a pretty stellar dude. And when a stellar dude drives a sube, well, that’s some great publicity. I can see it now! A young lady, with her boyfriend, standing outside of Trader Joe’s, watching me pull into the parking lot in a new Forester, thinking…
“Is that Justin J. Johnson?” the young lady asks.
“Who?” the dumb guy responds.
“Brilliant comedic actor and performer, Justin J. Johnson,” says the lovely lass.
“I don’t know who that is” says that dumb caveman.
“Justin J. Johnson is the most talented comedic actor of our generation. He’s like the next Mr. Bean or something.” says the beautiful girl who doesn’t really know who Mr. Bean is, but is trying to use a cool reference.
“Oh, no clue,” says that neanderthal, “but that car is rad” continues the getting smarter dude.
So there you go Subaru! That’s what COULD happen! Then they go buy a brand new Subaru, and she dumps him because he’s an idiot and doesn’t know who I am, but finds a great guy who’s a big fan, so it all works out!
My Dad’s Steps To Growing a Kickass Pumpkin Patch
June 27
Hey There Internet Audience and/or Metropolitan Opera House Audience (I assume you’re either reading this on the Internet, or this is being read to you at the MET as these are the only two options I know of when it comes to my “stuff”)!
First thing you should know about me: I’m a saucy gemini. The sauce? Sriracha. So really, I’m a sriracha gemini. Second thing you should know about me: I like to keep my personal life personal. Do I have a dog? You’ll never know. Do I live in a house? You’ll never know. Do I sleep at night? Dream on, you’ll never know. Also, why don’t people use, “dream on” as their departing phrase. A chance encounter with a friend at the Whole Foods. You exchange some small talk, they say they have to go and you know what you shoot right back at em? “Dream on! See you Tuesday.” I assume you’re going to see most of your friends on Tuesday, am I right?
Where was I? Oh yeah, personal life. You’re never going to know anything about me! But I will give you this…are you sitting down…are you ready?
I have a Dad. Scratch that. I have an AMAZING Dad. He’s the best. YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME?!?! Well guess what jerk, I’m going to prove you wrong.
Recently I visited my Dad’s place of residence…some call it his home. And in the yard, I stumbled upon this:
Yeah, that’s right. It’s a goddamned pumpkin patch! With a goddamned giant pumpkin! Did I mention he lives in the desert, and the pumpkin patch is in a random area of the yard. Yeah, that’s how he roles, like an effin champion! My Dad, the champ! Seeing this amazing thing I asked the question on everyone’s mind…how’d this come about Dad?
Welppp, get ready, because I’m going to share with you, my Dad’s secrets to growing a successful pumpkin patch!
Step 1: buy a pumpkin during Halloween.
Step 2: let it sit outside for a long time.
Step 3: dig a hole.
Step 4: crack the pumpkin and throw it in the hole.
Step 5: cover the hole.
Step 6: water the area.
BAM! To recap, my dad just took a pumpkin he bought, broke that sonuvabitch in half, threw it in a hole and BAM, a pumpkin patch!
He wins so hard at life! You guys are lucky to be reading his secrets.
Dream On,
Justin