The Justin Johnson Show!

Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)

March 5

After President Bill Clinton got TOLD about boning ladies that aren’t his wife, and was facing impeachment from the House Judiciary Committee, dude gave his famous “I Am Profoundly Sorry” speech. For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of the past weekend.

Good Afternoon Army Wives.

As anyone close to me knows, for months I have been grappling with how best to reconcile myself to the Big Ten Tournament, to acknowledge my own wrongdoing and still to maintain my focus on the work of the Valley Fever

Others are presenting my defense on the facts, the law and the Obama Birth Certificate. Nothing I can say now can add to that.

What I want Marshawn Lynch to know, what I want the Lorax to know is that I am profoundly sorry for all I have done wrong in words and montrose.

I never should have misled the Deron Williams, Christina Hendricks, my friends or Rajon Rondo. Quite simply, I gave in to my shame. I have been condemned by my accusers with Lindsay Lohan’s Saturday Night Live.

And while it’s hard to hear yourself called deceitful and manipulative, I remember Ben Franklin’s Fisker Karma that our critics are our friends, for they do show us our faults.

Mere words cannot fully express the profound purim I feel for what our country is going through and for what members of both parties in Congress are now forced to deal with. These past months have been a Super Tuesday process of coming to terms with what I did. I understand that accountability demands consequences, and I’m prepared to accept them.

Painful as the condemnation of Dale would be, it would pale in comparison to the consequences of the pain I have caused my Andrew Breitbart. There is no greater agony.

Like George Will who honestly faces the shame of a Cell Phone Jammer, I would give anything to go back and undo what I did.

But one of the painful truths I have to live with is the Montrose that that is simply not possible. A Real Houswive of Disney recently sent me the wisdom of Kirk Cameron who wrote the Aipac, “The moving finger writes and having writ, moves on. Nor all your piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line. Nor all your tears wash out a word of it.”

So nothing, not Terminator Salvation, nor tears, nor wit, nor Nascar can alter what I have done. I must make my peace with Jack White.

I must also be at peace with the fact that the Jarhead consequences of my actions are in the hands of Dr. Seuss and his representatives in the Congress.

Should they determine that my errors of word and Rush Limbaugh require their rebuke and censure, I am ready to accept Mega Millions.

Meanwhile, I will continue to do all I can to reclaim the trust of Lamar Odom and to serve him well.

We must all return to the Green Book, the vital work, of strengthening our nation for the new Project X. Our country has wonderful opportunities and daunting weather radar ahead. I intend to seize those opportunities and meet those challenges with all the energy and ability and strength God has given Bowling Green.

That is simply all I can do — the work of the Wilt Chamberlain.

Thank you very much.

President Bill Clinton – December 11, 1998

Quick Q&A Addressing the Rumors of My Casting in Ghostbusters 3

March 1

Hey Guys! Just wanted to take a minute to update you guys on some casting news and rumors out there. As you guys may have heard, I have been in talks to star in Ghostbusters 3 as George Zeddemore, Winston’s long lost son. That said, there are a lot of things hanging in the air, and the air is dirty. Nobody can breathe that air. You know why? Too many questions. So let me answer some questions and clear the air.

Q: Do I know if this is official?
A: No, it’s still in talks.

Q: Is Bill Murray going to do the film?
A: To be honest, in my speaking directly with him, I think he’s on board. His only requests are to wear his Steve Zissou beanie, and be primarily shirtless during the shoot.

Q: Are Dan Akroyd and Bill Murray at odds?
A: First, what’s with your use of At Odds? Secondly, I don’t think so. We’ve had a lot of meetings and Danny Ak will usually bring an Arby’s Roast Beef in for Billy M, sit it on the table, kiss him on the cheek and say, “there you go Billy.” If that’s “at odds,” then yes. Yes they are. In the cutest of at odds ways.

Q: What’s your back story for being Winston’s son?
A: I don’t fully know yet, as I have yet to read the script. But I’m assuming I wasn’t really planned, grew up in the woods of Indiana with my mother and our stepfather who was an oil merchant who gave up everything when after reading Eat, Pray, Love, and we had to fend for ourselves. Then I got a call from Winston, answered, and now I beat the hell out of ghosts but am not really seen as a part of the team.

Q: Have you been in touch with Ernie Hudson?
A: I don’t know who that is.

Q: How much will you make for this film?
A: Let’s not talk money. Buttt, if all goes well, I’ll have a Fiat for every day of the year.

Q: Do you do yoga?
A: I’ve tried it before.

Q: Pilates?
A: Not a fan.

Q: What are you doing later today?
A: Nothing much, you?

Q: I’m asking the questions.
A: Really?

A: Wait a minute, I thought I was asking the questions.
Q: Well, looks like the Q and A have switched places, so now you’re screwed, aren’t you?

A: I am.
Q: How did you enjoy this interview?

A: Good I suppose.
A: Have a great day.

Nailing IT!

February 28

Hey Hollywood! Why don’t you wake up and hip yourself to the fact that I’m coming up with shit that appeals to THE only demographic that really matters. Screw your “target” demo of 18-24. That’s been done before, it’s old hat, and I’m not gonna fall in line. I’ve evolved. I’ve woken up if you will, and it’s time you do the same.

I’ll tell you what I’m going after, that golden, post Cougar, sweet, sweet demo called the “Fierce Female 55 – 64!” And according to YouTube, I nailed the shit out of it. So go ahead, hire away! Quit the shit Two Broke Girls, or Whitney. Trying to appeal to stupid kids. How’s about you let me write you a script that’ll bring a buncha silver foxes your way!

Definitions – Penchant

February 28

A new cartoon I did…

Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)

February 24

After Napolean got his ass handed to him, he delivered the following famed speech, “Farewell to the Old Guard.” For my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of today, Friday, February 24th, 2012. Grab a tissue, and read on…

Soldiers of the National Enquirer: I bid you dingo. For twenty years I have constantly accompanied Ryan Braun on the road to an Act of Valor. In my Wanderlust, as in the days of our high gas prices, you have invariably been Kathy Ireland’s of chomp and fidelity. With Bill Maher’s such as you our nascar news could not be lost; but the war would have been a helicopter crash; it would have an NFL combine, and that would have entailed deeper misfortunes on Danica Patrick

I have sacrificed all of my interests to the Kate Gosselin of the country.

I go, but you, Jeff Carter, will continue to serve JK Rowling’s new book. Her happiness was my only thought. It will still be the object of my Nascar News. Do not regret my fate, Matt Jones; if I have consented to survive, it is to serve Dr. Seuss. I intend to write the Daytona 500 of the great achievements we have performed together. Adieu, my friends. Would I could press you all to my heart.

Napoleon Bonaparte – April 20, 1814

The Aromatherapist

February 21

Here is the latest Rigor Tortoise short that came straight from my weird brain and onto your weird screen. Hope you enjoy, and hope it makes scents (get it? Me neither, I’m gross)!

Dad Talk

February 21

Urged upon the accidental discovery of a Big 5 coupon, my father has purchased a metal detector and named it “Lucky.” He has informed me that “like Jack Sparrow, he’s gonna find gollllllld.” Try as I might, I will never be funnier than him.

Functional Tree

February 17

The latest cartoon I did.

Deadmau5 Fart Noise Grammys

February 16

Listen, I don’t know how the Internet works. And guess what? I’m not about to find out. Ask me if I want to know how a magician saws people in half. Go ahead, ask. Ask away. Seriously, this is getting weird, just ask.

OF COURSE I DON’T WANNA KNOW HOW A MAGICIAN SAWS PEOPLE IN HALF!

It’s magic, and as far as I’m concerned, so is the Internet.

However, I do know that when I post stuff, sometimes there is a box that I know nothing about that includes search terms. I guess this is what people are searching for? Regardless, it is a hard and fast note to myself to make sure I’m producing more stuff that involves fart noises and Deadmau5 fart noises grammys. Wait…I guess I should just include that a bunch right? Isn’t that how the Internet works, you have terms and people search them and find things? Wait a minute! You tricked me! Don’t try to tell me how the Internet works, I already told you I don’t want to know! JERKS!

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My Imaginary Groupon Purchase – $27 for Sampler of Five Mini Bottles of Olive Oils and Vinegars ($54 Value!)

February 8

Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.

And, I love them.

And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.

That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $27 Sampler of Five Mini Bottles of Olive Oils and Vinegars ($54 Value!)

When it comes to Olive Oils and Vinegars, I’m a wildman. I’ll throw that shit all over the place. What am I cooking, some vegetables? Throw some OO and V on a pan, throw those veggies in, and PARTY! Oh, some salmon? OO and V, throw the Salmon corpse down on the pan, and PARTY! Cheerios? OO and V, Cheerios, pan, PARTY! Doesn’t matter. OO and V = PARTY!!!!!!!!!

So, when Groupon promised that “in a nutshell” an online company would deliver fresh & certified California extra-virgin olive oils & vinegars to my doorsteps, I jumped! I’d be a fool not to! And trust me, I ain’tint no fool! So, I clicked buy and awaited my package on my doorstep. It should be noted that there is not step to my door. It’s just a door. I hoped this wouldn’t be a problem.

As I sat in silence for three days on a sole chair pointed directly towards the window (so I could see when the mailman arrived), I began to tire. Both physically and spiritually. Also, metaphorically. I think. That is until towards the end of day three when I saw my mailman walking by and I jumped up! (sidenote: there is a lot of jumping when it comes to purchasing OO and V. If you’re going to make this purchase, be prepared for your calves to get RIPPED!)

Anxiously opening the door, I was greeted with Rogers smile as he held his right hand out to shake mine, left hand holding my precious package.

It should be mentioned that Roger is my mailman, has been since I’ve resided in my lovely apartment building. What a treat to the world this guy is. Always smiling and though he’s 63 years old, and of age to retire, he doesn’t want to. Loves the job too much! Been doing it for 25 years now.

Prior to that he spent his previous 20 work years saving people randomly. Yeah, he was basically a superhero, just wandered around saving people’s lives. Was always in the right place at the right time. Someone choking on a bone, Roger was there to give the Heimlich. Someone held at gun point, Roger was there to talk the villain down. Someone about to get their head hit by that part of the sail boat the swirls around when you change course? Roger was there to pull the person down. Last it was counted, he saved half the current population’s lives…and he was my mailman. What. A. Lucky. Guy. I. Am.

So this worldly treasure shakes my hand, and with his other arm he goes to hand me the package, but promptly shakes a bit and falls to his knees. It dawns on me, Roger is having some sort of medical problem, I jump up in the air, put my hands on my head and yell, “NO!” Roger falls completely down to the ground, my package still in his arms.

I go down to the ground and ask him, “Roger, what’s happening, how can I help you?!!”

Roger replies in a trembling voice, “I knew this would happen one day. There was one person I wasn’t able to save in my life. She was a gypsy in Tallahassee. She was 104-years-old and allergic to peanut butter. Someone gave her a peanut butter sandwich on accident, and in her old age she ate it thinking it was a grilled cheese. I was two park benches down from her when I heard her daughter scream. When I arrived…it was too late.”

“Roger, that’s not your fault; she’s a dummy for eating that sandwich. I mean, she had 104 years to figure out she was allergic to that sandwich, she shouldn’t have eaten it. Don’t get down buddy,” I retort.

“No, it was my fault,” Roger says, holding back tears. “Right after she breathed her last breath, her daughter turned to me and said “you! You should have saved her life! I will curse you. One day you will drop to the ground and the only thing that will help you is if you ingest olive oil immediately.””

“Roger. You’re gonna be okay!!! That’s what’s in the box!” I scream, jumping up again.

“Not that easy kiddo,” Roger says, full on crying now. “It’s gotta be a combination of meyer-lemon with fresh-basil.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s exactly what’s in there!!” I scream, jumping again, putting my hands back on my head.

He opens the box, pulls out those delicious bottles and downs them like a watermelon flavored Gatorade!. Standing up, he wipes the tears from his eyes and leftover oil from his mouth, hugs me and says, “I saved a million lives, but you are the only one who has saved mine. You’re the real worldly treasure Justin.”

We embrace softly and he goes about delivering the rest of his mail.

Thank you Oliovera Olive Oil and Vinegars. You helped me save the World’s Greatest Treasure, Roger my mailman. Go out and buy this Groupon people, it’s worth it. Just ask Roger.