the justin johnson show

Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.

And, I love them.

And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.

That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $42 Colonic Treatment (51% Off!)!!!

I eat a lot of fiber and I take a daily probiotic. That said, pooping has never been a problem for me. But as is the case with the rest of my life, though I’m beyond stellar, I always feel like I can do a slightly better job, and the cleaning of my colon is no exception.

The Groupon promised that “in a nutshell” I would experience “warm, carbon-filtered water flushing toxins from lower digestive tract as therapists massage belly to coax out stubborn debris.” Am I paying $42 for a trip to Hawaii, or a colonic here? I’m in!

Now, I live on the Westside, so a trip to Inner Ecology on Pico is no problem at all. Parking was a sitch, and the only thing the delayed my arrival was the fact that “Ignition” by R. Kelly came on my car stereo right as I parked. I would be a fool not to remain seated in my car, hand dancing the remainder of the song, even if Heaven was waiting.

I feed the meter, (it’s street parking you guys, but probably the best street parking ever, as one quarter got me 6 hours, could this be the best day of my life?!) then walk up to an all golden door that looks heavy as shit, but opens easy as a feather door and what do I see…FOUNTAINS! The waiting room has fountains everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It’s practically like being in a Fountain Palace. Practically, not quite.

Behind a floating desk is a woman I can only describe as the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She welcomes me in a soft voice that gently enters my ear canal and massages it. I know I’m in for a treat. There is no sign in sheet at all, she just asks me for my zodiac sign and says “we can figure out the rest, please follow me.” I do. As she gets up, I notice she’s not wearing any pants and I follow her back.

The hallway as you can guess is filled with more fountains and pictures of celebrities who have visited, and all of them are taking pictures with Morgan Freeman while having the colonic done. Perhaps he lives here? I’m not sure, but looking forward to possibly meeting him.

Now here’s the weird part…she leads me into a room (still not wearing pants, still looking gorgeous) and this room is covered in quilts and down comforters. Essentially the most comfortable looking room you will ever see. I almost fell asleep just looking at it. She asks me to take a seat. I reply, “where, there are no chairs.” She says, “wherever.” I do, and she leaves closing the door behind her.

I settle in for the long haul (comfortably), expecting in typical fashion the doctor will be a while (not sure if these people are called Doctor’s, but I’m going with it), and there is an immediate knock on the door. No wait at all. Are you kidding me?! It’s another beautiful woman, she’s also not wearing any pants (I should clarify that both are wearing underwear so it’s not weird or anything). She enters as most angels do, in a cloud of beautiful light. I am stunned. From said light, she says, “Mike’s Hard Lemonade?” and hands me a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Now, at this point this was my only complaint. I don’t enjoy Mike’s Hard Lemonade, nor do I know of anyone who does.

Taken aback, I say yes and accept the MHL. She simply says, “drink up and you will be finished.” Confused, but not wanting to decline an Angel’s invitation I drink. I hand the bottle back to her, she says, “you are now cleansed” at which point I can feel my insides cleansing, then stand up to feel lighter and fresher than I ever have. With concern she says, “no, no, no, please sit back down for your massage. “ Not one to argue, I do and then two beautiful women with no pants come in and give me the best shoulder massage I have ever received.

I open my eyes in pure bliss, only to find that I am back home, in my bed, Storage Wars has just started, I’ve never felt cleaner, and in my hands is a picture of me and Morgan Freeman.

Amazing. Simply amazing. Other than the Mike’s Hard Lemonade, I cannot recommend this Groupon enough. Rush out and buy one before they’re all gone!