Hey There Internet Audience and/or Metropolitan Opera House Audience (I assume you’re either reading this on the Internet, or this is being read to you at the MET as these are the only two options I know of when it comes to my “stuff”)!

First thing you should know about me: I’m a saucy gemini. The sauce? Sriracha. So really, I’m a sriracha gemini. Second thing you should know about me: I like to keep my personal life personal. Do I have a dog? You’ll never know. Do I live in a house? You’ll never know. Do I sleep at night? Dream on, you’ll never know. Also, why don’t people use, “dream on” as their departing phrase. A chance encounter with a friend at the Whole Foods. You exchange some small talk, they say they have to go and you know what you shoot right back at em? “Dream on! See you Tuesday.” I assume you’re going to see most of your friends on Tuesday, am I right?

Where was I? Oh yeah, personal life. You’re never going to know anything about me! But I will give you this…are you sitting down…are you ready?

I have a Dad. Scratch that. I have an AMAZING Dad. He’s the best. YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME?!?! Well guess what jerk, I’m going to prove you wrong.

Recently I visited my Dad’s place of residence…some call it his home. And in the yard, I stumbled upon this:

Yeah, that’s right. It’s a goddamned pumpkin patch! With a goddamned giant pumpkin! Did I mention he lives in the desert, and the pumpkin patch is in a random area of the yard. Yeah, that’s how he roles, like an effin champion! My Dad, the champ! Seeing this amazing thing I asked the question on everyone’s mind…how’d this come about Dad?

Welppp, get ready, because I’m going to share with you, my Dad’s secrets to growing a successful pumpkin patch!

Step 1: buy a pumpkin during Halloween.
Step 2: let it sit outside for a long time.
Step 3: dig a hole.
Step 4: crack the pumpkin and throw it in the hole.
Step 5: cover the hole.
Step 6: water the area.

BAM! To recap, my dad just took a pumpkin he bought, broke that sonuvabitch in half, threw it in a hole and BAM, a pumpkin patch!

He wins so hard at life! You guys are lucky to be reading his secrets.

Dream On,

Justin