New cartoon, “The Aggressive Tobacco Shop.”
The Aggressive Tobacco Shop – Cartoon
April 23
My New Half Hour – Two 4 One
April 17
Fun show this Sunday, “My New Half Hour” at iO West at 8:30 PM:
http://ioimprov.com/west/io/shows/my-new-half-hour
And get this, print the below to get two tickets for the price of one! Thus, bring a friend, and the show costs $2.50! UNREAL!
How To Tie a Tie
April 4
With Spring upon us and summer approaching, I’m sure you’re going to lots of events in which, let’s face it, you may have to tie a tie. But alas you know not how to do such things. Well lucky for you, there is a source that teaches you the way to perfectly tie a tie. Check it out!
Cookie Monster is Not a Vegan!
March 27
I keep trying to tell Cookie to be healthier but he just ain’t into it! vine.co/v/bjA2VLTidP2
— justinjjohnson (@justinjjohnson) March 27, 2013
A Man Ahead of His Time – Cartoon by Justin J. Johnson
March 21
Justin Reviews An Indie Album Based On Its Indie Cover Art – Phosphorescent “Muchacho”
March 19
This week’s album review:
Phosphorescent
“Muchacho”
Hola muchacho! Get it?! It’s a play off the title of the new Phosphorescent album. Right?!
Okay, listen it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these and I didn’t want to start off by saying, “it’s been a while.” BUT, now I’ve said it and there’s no way to erase it, so let’s just deal with it! In any case, boy do I have a great album to review based solely upon it’s cover art. Phosphorescent’s “Muchacho.”
Now, let’s set the record straight. I’m a little biased. I really enjoy Phosphorescent! Back in the day I heard a track called, “I Am a Full Grown Man (I Will Lay in the Grass All Day).” THAT’S MY LIFE! I want to just lay in grass all day! Honestly, nothing sounds better…unless the grass is wet. Then it’s uncomfortable. But, regardless, I love Phosphorescent. I mean, Matthew Houck, you wrote a song specifically about my life (laying in grass) and a tribute album to Willie Nelson! You kidding me?! Sometimes I just go to bars, don’t order any drinks, wait for it to close and play “The Party’s Over” on full volume on my iPhone. Of course, nobody can really hear it because the volume on an iPhone isn’t that loud…but it’s the thought that counts!
And then, more recently on “Here’s To Taking It Easy,” resides the tunes “The Mermaid Parade” (I LOVE MERMAIDS!) and “Los Angeles!” (THAT’S WHERE I LIVE!) All of this is to say…Matthew Houck…or rather, Phosphorescent…understands me!
Given this understanding, you can see how anxious I have been to get a new album that will better understand me! How am I to learn anything about myself if I don’t have a song to guide me there!? But, alas, it’s been a little while. And, as the story goes, Matthew Houck wasn’t doing too well. He was tired, and needed to get away. You know, take it easy (get it?!)! So, he went down to Mexico and started a Mermaid Parade. JK you guys! But, he did go to Mexico…and maybe he started a Mermaid Parade. And after laying in the grass for a while, he emerged with “Muchacho.”
Now then, let’s review this album solely upon the cover art…
YES! I LOVE THIS COVER ART! THIS MAY BE THE BEST ALBUM EVER! (You can probably guess where I’m looking right now…there’s a lady…umm…sitting down on the bed…and ummm…well…that shirt is sort of open…and…umm…you get it!)
I think the first thing I personally learned from this album about myself is…I NEED TO GO TO MEXICO!!
But honestly…back to the music based on the cover art. Besides the fact that there’s ummm…a lady there…WHOA! ANOTHER LEG! I just noticed that other leg! How many ladies are in this room!? Is that a ladies leg?! Wait, is there another lady under that poncho? Is that even a poncho or a blanket? You know, the one under the disco ball? AHHH! Is that a disco ball?!! HOLY MOLY! Oh man! AWESOME!!
Welp, if there’s one thing we can take away from this album, it’s that Phosphorescent is taking it easy! Kudos sir, kudos!
Matthew Houck is wearing a fun ass shirt, a cool ass hat, and has a dope ass grin on his face! The party is on!
BUT, then again…as we learned from Willie…the party has to be over at some point too. And guess what? The nights in Mexico may be fun when you’ve got two lovely ladies wearing your shirts and hats, but when you wake up in a gross looking green room with interesting art above the bed, and jinky retro lamps…you’ve got another thing coming. The walk of shame is a learning experience…especially when it’s out of your own room in Mexico.
I’m guessing this album has a touch of that. Maybe it seems fun and relaxed. You’re having a good time, but you delve deeper and you see that behind any escape rests a real world that you have to get back to. Or…maybe you never have to. Maybe it’s a permanent escape. Like, you entered into the witness protection program, but you have to live in Mexico with lovely ladies wearing your shirts and hats? Who knows!!!
One thing is for sure…I’m betting this album is more than just a drunken evening. It’s fun on the surface, but what happens the next day…welp, it’s unknown and up to you to decide. It’s a drunken evening…that makes you think.
DAMMIT PHOSPHORESCENT! Just when I thought your music couldn’t better understand me, you did it again!
REVIEW:
I give it five lovely ladies wearing my shirts out of five lovely ladies wearing my shirts.
LET’S GO TO MEXICO!
New Parenting Advice from Justin J. Johnson – “Morning Sickness”
March 18
Hey There Internet,
I hope you don’t mind that I lumped you all together like that, but hey, what do you want me to name each four of you reading this?! I don’t have time! C’mon guys, cool it! The Internet is a vast vast place full of weird weird people!
(But honestly, thanks Tim, Lisa, Chill, and Waverider for reading this.)
I don’t want to get too deep on you Internet, but…I’ve noticed that there are a huge majority of people in my life that are having babies! Yep, real life babies! Not dolls, but real baby breathing babies. Exciting huh? And, being the consummate businessman I am, I see a demand, and am willing to supply.
Supply parenting advice that is!
Every day I’m walking and people are like, “Justin, what should I do with my baby?” or “how do I deal with this baby thing?” And honestly, is there anyone better to give parenting advice than a dude who has no baby and has only held two babies in his life? I have no bias, no knowledge, no nothing. I’m a clean slate of advice! It’s like I didn’t even see the trailer for the movie, so I’m going in FRESH! Thusith, here we go!
First topic:
“Morning Sickness”
Man oh man. Ever had this happen? “I got a baby in my stomach, it’s the morning and I’m sick!” Yeah, we’ve all been there. Here’s something I find that helps. Simply imagine you’re on a boat. This is a double negative. The double sickness cancels out everything and you’re not sick anymore! BAM! EAZY PEEZY! (Please note, this goes for guys and gals involved in this pregnancy.)
Hope this helps, I find that it always does, but hey, my body is different than yours!
Stay tuned for more parenting advice!
Sincerely,
Knew Dad, No Dad
Engelbert Humperdinck Takes Over!
March 13
Last evening Engelbert Humperdinck decided to take over my Vine. Hypnotized and twisted.
Hypnotized by Engelbert Humperdinck. #Humperdinck vine.co/v/bdalhI0vq00
— justinjjohnson (@justinjjohnson) March 13, 2013
#Tornado #Humperdinck vine.co/v/bdWZMaB2Mjb
— justinjjohnson (@justinjjohnson) March 13, 2013
Shrimp Tonite?
March 12
Shrimp Tonite. #HenryMiller #Shrimp #DontEatShrimpReadingHenryMiller vine.co/v/bwjUZxZbKZV
— justinjjohnson (@justinjjohnson) March 11, 2013
How Long Until a Watermelon Grows In My Stomach?
March 7
As most of you know, I love Yahoo! Answers. It’s the go-to for any factual information you need in life. And, being the inquisitive person I am, I have set out to get answers to lifes toughest questions. With the help of the whackos who answer these questions, I will be the most learned person in life.
As such, here is my latest question: How long until a watermelon grows in my stomach? What can I do to stop it?
Here is the link: answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvQr0H6PVMv9FeAOu.vyW4rsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20130305113018AAIi9EZ
If you have the answer, for goodness sake, why are you still reading this?!? Log-in and answer!