Upon the start of this morning, which by all accounts was the best morning start ever (given I’m really good at starting mornings AND everything in general), I decided to indulge in a Coconut Water. Why you ask? Why not I retort! I mean, I like hydration. I like coconuts. I like water. Thus I like coconut water. This case is sealed shut, there’s no arguing it. I’m a coconut water liker.
Sooo, I did as a lot of Coconut Water likers do…I went into a store and purchased one. The “one” I decided to purchase was a VitaCoco with Tropical Fruit. Now, before I continue, I’d like to establish that I am a coconut water purist. In other words, I rarely purchase a coconut water that has weird flavoring. I like just coconuts. But sadly the only pure coconut water’s they had available also had pulp in them. Not a pulp fan. Not. At. All. Pulp is gross. Next time you think you like pulp, think of the fact that you’re drinking a liquid, and some gross boogery solids slip down your throat. You disgust me.
ANYWAY you gross heathen. As I was about to take a sip of my tropical coconut dream, I noticed what might be THE WEAKEST CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT I have ever seen. Allow me to present Exhibit lAme:
If you’re wondering what I’m talking about. It’s the top part of the bottle that casually says, “hydrate naturally with Rihanna.” Just a casual mention of Rihanna and how I should drink this with her?!?!? Are you kidding me?!?! Beyond the hilarious fact that this is just randomly thrown on the bottle with no picture, or anything that identifies Rihanna (we’re just assuming that Rihanna is popular enough for everyone to know her), my favorite fact is that the “hydrate naturally with” is in typical fun VitaCoco font, and then the “Rihanna” is in a poor man’s Monotype Corsiva of some sort (I’m not a fontspert, so don’t start fact checking this). That font is the go to that embroiderers use when you purchase embroidery work at an Indoor Swap Meet. You know that hat you wanted that says Numba One Gangsta? Look at the font. It’s this.
Come on VitaCoco! Can’t you add a Rihanna pic? Maybe make it a Rihanna bottle? A special RihannaCoco. Maybe even a bottle that has some weird ass haircut and makes mediocre songs, but also is fairly hot? Nope. You decided to capitalize on the fact that you are endorsed by “mega super star” Rihanna by barely adding her name to the bottle. WEAK!
Also, as if this bottle wasn’t stupid enough. Please see the pic below where it says, “CHILL IT, DON’T SPILL IT.” WHO MADE THIS BOTTLE?!!? Chill it, don’t spill it?!? This isn’t an 80’s t-shirt design you dumbnuts. A) Has anyone ever said that? B) I’m not entirely sure it makes sense. Like, those are my options?! I can either chill this bottle, or spill it. They have NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER YOU DUMMIES! UGHGUGH!
VitaCoco, I’m not angry, but I am disappointed. It’s your move. Make your bottles less stupid, or I’m leaving you. Trust me, I can find another fruit that isn’t supposed to produce a water beverage, and I can enjoy it!